Another day

well today is another day. I was sitting here looking out the window at work and wondering why this thing called infertility happens to good people. I mean, I have met so many wonderful people online through blogging and I wish I would have listened to them a long time ago when they said, "you should blog as a journal for yourself". I feel so much better when I type it out. I am sure you could see that from yesterday's post. lol. My DH is at home now and was yesterday. He is so sick. I feel bad actually for the post yesterday because he was getting sick Sunday night. Oh well, I will forgive him for it. Anyway, back to the point,

My biggest question in life is how can so many men and women want a child so badly and try so hard to conceive while others just have babies on a whim. I don't understand how so many people that could give a child a wonderful and loving home, are starving for this child and others are beating, abusing and abandoning their children. I know that this is not for me to understand but I am only human and I have questions. I worry about my friends who are so stressed just as I am over what day it is in the cycle and what time it is of the day. I worry about the other women out there grieving the loss of a pregnancy just as I have and asking the big man why. I can't tell you why and I am sure one day, we will understand but for now, I am a need to know person and I want answers. I will never be satisfied with the normalcy.

My DH is so wonderful and in fact, I realized that there were things I was saying and I was not saying them to him. So I wrote him a letter.... I thought I would share.....

My dearest love Jeff:

This is the time for me to just sit down and tell you how I feel. You see there have been many letters written to you that were not so good. I mean I have written to you about your drinking and other activities. I have written to you to gripe about all the things I think are stupid. I have put you down so many times. I have said how much I was not "in Love" with you anymore. These 13 years have brought my highest and lowest points. I have said things to others that under normal circumstances, I would never say to you. I have put you down and said things I regret and that is my lesson. I am sure I would never have said these things unless there was a heated argument. I have made you look like this horrible person and yet I look at you now after this latest tragedy and I think to myself, I love this man.

This is a man that I saw compassion in his eyes in my worst and trying times, the death of a close uncle, the death of a brother and the death of a father figure and the loss of our child. I have seen his love pouring from his soul during the death of his father and the loss of our child. I have seen more emotion and love come from you in the past 2 years than ever. While smoking today, I was talking about the miscarriage and things started to come out of my mouth and I thought to myself, "have I ever said that to him," hmmmmm, "no". So I am going to tell you what I told the group. You know, out of every bad moment we have been thru in 13 years of marriage and out of every fight or bickering we have gone thru and believe you me, there were some rough times, he has been the greatest. He was there and strong at a time I needed him to be. He was exactly what I needed when I needed it. I always knew I loved the man I married but it was during that time that I realized just how much more I love you now and how much more you mean to me today than before. I had a realization that maybe this was the lesson I was supposed to get from this loss. Maybe I was supposed to gain the knowledge of my marriage and what I have. Maybe I should look a little deeper at this situation. I realize that there is no one in my life that makes me light up the way you do my soul. Thank you baby. I love you.

I love you because you make me feel whole. I love you because of the way you look at me. I love you because of the way you make me feel. I love you because you are the father of my wonderful son. I love you because you work hard every day for your family. I Love you for trying to do better. I love you for making a way for us when sometimes I don't think there is one. I love you for the love you have in your heart. I love you for the way that you don't always give in. I love you for the way you will go against me because he believes in it. I love that you try to make yourself better. It may not work all for the time and there may still be vices in your closet but I love you for looking up and out instead of down. I love you for who you are and who you make me as well as when you make of this family. I love you baby.

Your wife forever

Okay so now that you all have stopped crying, and saying awwwwwww. lol. I will tell you that this man is my life and I just don't understand why we can't be happy with just one more baby. Maybe one day God will reveal his plan to us but until then I must remember that the good Lord gave me patience as well.