Well today is Tuesday October 28th. My EDD was for 10/31/08 for the baby at the beginning of the year. I feel a loss that I can not describe. I read many blogs and I see the pain that all who have suffered go thru. This is not something easily dealt with. I thought I would be okay. I told myself that there wasn’t really a baby there as we had a blighted ovum and we never saw anything except a sac. We didn’t see our angel. I feel very strongly that my God knew exactly what he was doing. I look back at the last 7 months and I know that God had a plan. You see Jeff and I have struggled with paying bills. I am about to say things that most don’t know so this is a real life battle for me. You see I am not the best with the finances and neither is he. It is not that we blow money that we don’t have, we just don’t plan well. I hope that makes sense. I am really working on this and have prayed diligently for God to make me a better steward with our money.
Oh he has listened alright. There have been weeks that I have paid so much that I have been left rolling change for lil J’s lunch. (I cash it in for bills so that he doesn’t know any better) Over the last 7 months I have been working on it but I still look right now and thing, wow, there is no way that I could handle this with a baby right now. Money is so tight, where in the world would I have money for formula and diapers. Now please don’t get me wrong, we make plenty of money to take care of this baby when it does get here but I need to learn lessons to plan better. If there was a baby now, I would be going out of my mind. I don’t know how I would have bought stuff for the nursery. I don’t know where I would have gotten things that I needed. I am grateful and on bended knee over this. I will praise my Lord in this storm as I know his plan was for the best.
He knew that if I was to see the heartbeat and a developing baby, I would not be able to make it thru the miscarriage. I think he was showing me that our time was coming and he was preparing us for this joyous time. I will say like one of my great blogging buddies said, he was helping me to prepare my field for a bountiful crop. I am in awe of his wonder. I will miss that baby and yet I will praise him for the miracle of life that is within me right now as I type this entry.
We went to the doctor yesterday and Dr. B says that everything is great. The baby is growing great. He did an u\s yesterday and the baby is measuring right on schedule. Tater is 1.8 inches long. HB is 160. All is well. I am afraid as he took me off of the glucophage yesterday and he is taking me off of the Provera this weekend. I am terrified in some ways and in others; I am comforted by the Lords plan.
I am grateful to have blogging buddies like all of you who keep me grounded and keep me straight. Thank you for all you do.
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6 comments:
~hugs~ on your (what do we call this) memory date. Mine is in February and I swear if I'm not pregnant, it will kill me - the phantom milestones are hard enough.
I also have to comment on the finance thing... I think you are where many Americans are (oh wait, are you in America? I don’t even know – haven’t looked) anyway. It’s common to – oh lets just say - to not have finances be a personal strength.
Anyway I have such a passion for what I’ve learned (which isnt much) that I think I’ll blog about it on my Other Blog “My Broken Ballet” if you’re interested in reading it. I would have written it here but it’s too long and probably even more boring.
You possess such strength and faith!!
super big hugs! what a hard week for you, but yet a really blessed one too!
I think you are right about His timing, it is hard to understand while it is happening, but looking back his plan always seems to make the most sense! I am glad you are abel to see it this way!
It's so hard sometimes to trust God's timing when we think it's perfect. I'm remembering with you.
***HUGS***
((((((((((huggs))))))))))
Remembering with you...
*HUGS*
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