Just a little venting.

A wonderful woman over at http://emptyarmsandbrokenhearts.blogspot.com/ is in need of support. She is having a hard time right now and a little love would help.

She brings up a sensitive point for me. Her and her DH are having "one of those nights". Many of us, if not all of us go thru this. We as the women who are going thru all of the treatments have a hard time with the constant poking and prodding that comes with the treatments. This is just my take on this.

I think that for me personally, there comes a time when every woman with PCOS that is married to someone that is not suffering from IF, feels worthless. I even get jealous. I get mad at my DH for being able to spit 45 million little troopers into a cup and yet I can't get one damn egg out. I hate that I feel like I can't do anything in this arena. I want to feel normal. I want to know what day my period is coming without having to take medication. I want to know exactly what day I am going to ovulate without having an ultrasound. I want to go months at a time and just not worry about what my body is doing. I want that complete satisfaction. I need that. I need to know that I am okay.

Don't get me wrong. I know that I am whole in my Lord's eyes. I know that he made me perfect in his eyes. I just don't understand why my eyes don't show it.

I have had many of those nights with DH where the arguments are more than I can stand. Where there is no talking and the loneliness is so overwhelming on top of the issues that you feel already from the IF that you want to crawl out of your skin for a while. You want to just step away for just a bit. Maybe be someone else. Maybe walk down a street for once and not notice every single baby and every woman that is pregnant and get an overwhelming feeling of nausea.

I have told my husband in the middle of those fights that he will never understand cause "your junk works just flipping fine". I have screamed at the top of my lungs that he should divorce me and find someone who can give him the second child he so desires. I have told him that I would just rather not be married to him and watch him with someone else and see him with that child just so that I know he is happy. I have told him that I love him enough to let him go and have that dream. Now keep in mind that me and DH have been married for 14 years and I am really truly not ready to give that up. I am however over feeling like the one that can't hold up the end of her vows. I think back to one line in particular....... Thru good times and bad..... oh my goodness is this ever a bad time. Okay so for the last 12 years this has been a bad time for me. so is he supposed to love me thru all of this. My answer would be hell yeah. but then I feel sorry for him.

I hate that he has to see my roller coaster of a ride from the medications and from the ups and downs of BFN and finally a BFP only to lead to a miscarriage of our precious baby that we had waited so long for. Now don't get me wrong. I know where my baby is and I have accepted that he or she is in my great saviours arms being cooed at by her paw-paw. I love that thought and it puts a smile on my face to think about it. But then again, I hate that he will not be here when I finally get my miracle. I want him to be here to take that baby out in the back yard like he did with Jake and tickle their nose with the Mimosa tree blooms. Okay so off task but you can see where I am going with this.

Oh how it perturbs me to think about the timed sex and that he can't enjoy it because "it always seems timed" or "there is so much pressure for him" Oh how my nerves wilt when I hear that because Lord knows I don't have pressure on me. I don't have to worry about the lab results. I don't have to worry about what day and what time my meds are taken. I don't have to make sure that my cm looks just right and that my cervix is in the right position. Oh boy don't get me started on that. You see this is where the anger starts and the hormones go out the roof top.

I get angry when I think of the hair that I have in places, I don't want to discuss and how I have to work harder than most to feel "girly" for him. I hate that I have to worry about all of that, I just want to get in the shower and now worry about shaving my neck like a man would. I don't want to worry while walking thru wal-mart, if my stubble is so bad that others notice it and look at my DH and wonder why in the hell he is with me. I know he loves me and would get upset to see I put all of this down. He would tell me that I do a great job keeping this up because he didn't even know it was that big of a problem. ahhhhhhhhh too much. I absolutely love my DH and wouldn't trade him for the world yet I feel so guilty and horrible that I am the cause of this stress in our marriage which leads to the hormonal imbalance induced blow outs every now and then.

Thank you for reading. I worry I said too much and I really never thought I would write that down but hey, look what a little venting does for the soul.