Trying to become pregnant with PCOS

2010-02-02T08:48:00.000-08:00

I think it is time that I face my reality. I think that it is time I find a place to vent. I am in a place in my life where decisions need to be made and looked at yet I avoid them. Thank you all for reading and standing by me in one of my hardest times of infertility.

I have started another blog and yet it is not anything like this one. It is not full of happy thoughts of baby girl and all that goes with being her mom. It is my deep down places that hopefully I can crawl back from.

If you would like to still follow, you can email me at jennij74 at yahoo dot com. thank you for all of your support. I will never forget. From time to time, I will drop in and update Jess and her growth. I mean, this is where she started right? haha.

Back from the hole

2010-01-14T05:32:00.000-08:00

Good morning, or afternoon. whichever time you are reading. lol. I feel horrible that I have not been updating. I really do come here and peak in every now and again but I just can't seem to stop and post. There is alot going on in our lives right now and some not so good. I really don't want to go into detail on here as there is the possibility of someone finding it. I really do need a place to vent and so I think that I will start another blog direct it there. Soooooo for now, let me tell you the good things...

Jessica got her first tooth

Jessica gave me a scare with a lump in her breast (infected duct)

She is up to 22 lbs and I think that now that she is REALLY mobile, she is loosing.

I work more than I care to. lol

She is eating table food with baby food supplements

She is only taking 3 bottles a day and really that is only as a comfort I think as she doesn't drink it all

She loves, loves, loves her bubba. (god I know DHs daddy is up there putting in a good word for us so thank you for listeing and blessing us with 2 GREAT children)

I will post the new site within the next few but here are some pictures to look at and make your day. lol.

2009-10-27T05:59:00.001-07:00

I finally made it to the 100th post!!!

This has been a long journey and you guys have stayed right there. I love you all.

Jessica,

Today you are 6 months old. Today you have been here with us for 6 months. Sometimes, I think I have to tell myself that because it feels like just yesterday and in some ways with the wait and trying for you, it feels as you have been blessing our days for a while. This post marks my 100th post (finally) and I find it only fitting to write the 100 things I love about you.

I love your smile
I love your giggle when you see your bubba
I love how you sing to me in the morning when I get you up
I love how you grab your feet now when I am changing your diaper
I love how you are stingy with your kisses
I love that your hair is finally growing and it is thick
I love that you eat baby food 3 times a day
I love the look on your face when I feed you tutti frutti
I love the look of OMG what is this when I give you carrots.
I love how you get excited when “Wilbur” is on TV
I love how you dance in your activity center
I love how you jump and laugh in your jenny jump up
I love how you pull on “killers” fur
I love how you like to kiss hannah (dog) when she lays by you
I love how you try to be a big girl and sit up in your swing
I love how when you are tierd, you rub your eyes
I love when you fall asleep sometimes when I feed you
I love how you have peed on me twice while getting you ready for your bath
I love how you play with the toys on your carrier
I love how you are teething and so close to them breaking thru
I love the old man face you make when your gums are bothering you
I love go to hell you give when you are mad
I love the squell of excitement when you hear a lot going on
I love the look of intense concentration when looking at something new
I love how your daddy uses his shoes to hold your toy in place
I love how you can roll over
I love how you can use the above to get you almost anywhere
I love that you are trying to crawl
I love the inch worm move on your back to move over
I love how much you love your bubba
I love how much you love your daddy
I love how much you love mommy
I love how much you love mimi
I love how much you love brandon
I love how you sleep all night
I love that I can give you a bottle and you go right back down most mornings
I love how you strain to reach the floor in your walker
I love how you are excited to see me in the afternoon after work
I love the look you give in the morning when I am leaving.
I love the way you strain to get out of the carrier when you have had enough
I love how you can turn my bad days into great ones.
I love how when you want the music turned up you sing loud to let me know
I love how when you are ready for the truck to move, you grunt
I love that you can stay the night somewhere else and you are an angel
I love how you love on everyone
I love how you are a social baby
I love your chin
I love your nose
I love how you look like your daddy
I love that you are the spitting image of your bubba
I love how you will keep the bows on your head (for a little while)
I love how you will yank them off and try to eat them
I love how you hate hats.
I love how you hate shoes
I love how you hate socks
I love how you hate to be confined
I love how you love your crib
I love that you love your mobile
I love how you like to look cute (I know cause you smile)
I love that you love music
I love that you have to have it to go to sleep
I love how you sing to me when I wake you up
I love how you have to stretch big before I can change your diaper
I love when you are tierd and you rub you eyes so cute
I love how you look like a frog on the floor when trying to crawl
I love how when you think no one is watching you move all over the place
I love how you talk to your toys
I love how you recognize your bottle now
I love how you hold you bottle
I love how you love your mobile and try to tear it up
I love how I am so excited to see you in the afternoon
I love our bath times
I love when you get a bath alone, you splash me
I love how you are so cute with your earings
I love how youhate your carseat and want out
I love how inquisitive you are with things outdoors
I love how you love Pandora the kitten
I love how you love to slide on the countertops
I love your face when I blow on your belly
I love how you can sit on your own
I love how that makes you mad to sit
I love how you are always entertained
I love how all the women in the store go wild over your thighs
I love how you are so smart and big and people think you are older
I love how you love to rock
I love that you like to sit and read with me
I love how you love your bears
I love how you can give kisses for an hour
I love that you are here
I love that we have you for ours
I love that you came in your own time to us
I love that you have your paw-paws personality
I love that you have your daddys temper (not really)
I love how you were born healthy
I love that you are here.
I love being your mommy
I love that you are my daughterI love that you are the best baby ever!!!

Update long overdue

2009-10-19T06:10:00.000-07:00

So life has been hectic and I am not for sure how much longer I can keep up this blog but I am sure going to try. Here is a post in pictures. My next post with be my 100th and I am working on it with the 100 things I love about Jessica. I am sure there will be so much more to it than that but I am going to try. Lol. Here is a post in pictures of the last month…..

Baby Girl is getting so big and is such a blessing... Look at that smile....

I love this face as it is saying, what in the world do you want! haha

Jake got his hair cut. Yes, really the golden locks of wonderful that came down past his neck and hung in his eyes are gone!!!!

Sister loves the new do, see her trying to give him a kiss afterwards

Well this picture speaks volume. You see for months 1-3 she slept in the bed with us... Yes I know but I couldn't help it. She had baby dust that helped me sleep. haha. Months 3-5 she slept in the cradle in out room until one night I woke up to her crying because she had gotten her arm stuck in the rungs of the bed and couldn't move. I really thought that she was going to break her arm, which leads us to her first night in her own bed. *sniff* She is out of our room and in her room all night. I am better about this now than I was before. haha.

Now this is why I am not online to post very often..... Jake is in band and it consumes my life on Friday mornings and Friday nights. We have had competition for the last 2 weeks and I am proud to say that they scored *superior*. Jake is in the drum line. I did flags in high school so this is a fun time for him and I to share stories about bus rides and such. I love it and yes sister goes to every game, even the rainy ones although mom sits in the truck with her when this happens. hahaha

Now for yesterday.... Here is my chunky monkey on the way to the fair. The next few say it all. She was all dolled up and everyone loved the outfit. She also has an orange hat that she wore due to the wind. It was great. hehe. See how cute.

I am still keeping up with your blogs. Amanda, your package finally went out yesterday. I am so sorry. Michele, I need your address so I can send out Bobby and Maya a happy. Alicia, you need to post. I miss pictures of that beautiful blessing. Melissa, Eve is so big now. I love seeing you on facebook all of the time with pictures and video. Cynthia, I can't wait to see new pics of the twins.

Take care everyone and I will be on the lookout for your updates.

Howdy Strangers

2009-09-15T06:41:00.000-07:00

Good morning to you all. I am so sorry that I have not been here in like, FOREVER!. We all know that life is hectic with a little one. I wanted to post today as I was looking and cleaning out my favorites. I had a folder named INF and within that one, I had sub folders that were named Trying and Prego in order. I progressively moved them from one folder to the other and ticked them off of the trying category. I used to love doing that. I would hate it if I had to move someone back due to a loss. Well while checking in on everyone, I noticed that out of the 25 blogs I was reading. ( I still used your links to view others at times. lol) I realized that all but 1 was pregnant and now has a little one. It made me cry. I felt as though life had now got in the way of the connection that kept me going for so long. You guys are the best. I love you all and I truly mean that. I see your pictures of your wonderful children and I pray for them to live healthy prosperous lives.

As for us, well we are doing fine. Okay so let me hit the high and low points....

* Jessica turned 4 months old. (pics at bottom)

* The anniversary of my brothers death and our finding out we were pregnant was a very emotional day for me.

* while on the way to the memorial (doing full speed down I-20) we were rear ended by a woman doing 120 mph. (we are all fine and I was the only banged up) Oh and she was not insured! We only have liability on the truck sooooooo you can imagine the state we are in driving a crinkled beded truck. (I loved my truck too)

*Jessica is wonderful. All except the screaming fit she throws right before bed now. I don't know how to tame this.

* My oldest started high school. OMG! REALLY? He is a freshman and he plays drums in the band. Our favorite time of the week now is Friday night games and yes little sister has to be there rain or shine (with alot of umbrellas. lol)

Here is some juicy goodness for you too look at. Taken with MIL camera so not the greatest. I really need to have new pics taken.

She loves her bubba. He is so great with her. Sometimes in Wal-Mart, I wonder if people think she is his. lmao!

Don't you love the bib.

Look at that smile. I just want to eat her up.

Just cause I could have beat my son for this pic. I was not happy about something and poor Jess looks stressed out. hahaha

2009-07-20T08:30:00.000-07:00

Good morning to you all. I am quickly approaching my 100th post. I wanted to show you how big Jessica is getting. She is 12 weeks old today and yet she will be 3 months next week. *sniff*.

We kept B last weekend and look at how cute they are…. I asked him if he wanted to hold the baby and he climed in the rocker and held his arms out… awe, how cute.

Here he is kissing her. Say it with me…. Awe!!!

Everyone says how much she looks like her bubba, which would mean that she looks like her daddy. But when I saw this picture, I thought she looked like me…. I don’t get those moments very often.

Smiling at mommy….

Talking to mommy, see her mouth, she is talking up a storm. You know that clip on youtube where the little girl is just talking up a storm, well that is Jessica, she talks and sings all of the time. We love it. Haha.

Here is the Bumbo seat. She loves it when we sit her in front of the activity center. It makes her mad when it stops though.

See how focused she is on it.

Here is the OMG, get this freakin bow off of my head. Lol. I love the outfit. She is really good about bows but for some reason, she didn’t like this one.

I am going to have to post on my DH’s new found love of gardening. You should see his handy work. I love my back patio and he is the reason for it. More to come on that.

2009-07-08T06:55:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone. I have been such a bad blogger and it is just simply put... laziness... Jess takes all of my extra time. I love cuddling with her. I thought you would all appreciate our 4th pictures so here you go..... Funny story to be told along the way.

Here is the princess in her 4th get up....

Above is Stone Mountain just outside of Atlanta. For those of you who have never been there on the 4th of July, I strongly encourage you to go. It is the most patriotic thing I have ever seen. Below is the princess in the lake, can you tell how much she really loves water. She got mad when we took her out. lol. While at Stone mountain, we had to wait 5 hours before the show started and as you will see in another picture, we were fighting for every inch we could get. Jess was happy that it was not TOO hot. It was warm, don't get me wrong. We tried to keep her cool but she just wasn't happy and no matter how much time we spent in the AC, she wouldn't take a bottle and I am thinking it was a combination of everything. Here she is being calmed by her daddy..... Say it with me.... Awe!!
Daddy again, kissing the unclothed child. lol.

One of the only things to keep her happy was to let her stand (on her own, mind you)

Now you see above how crowded it was. Just for reasons of explanations... there were over 150,000 there. You can see from the picture that there were no empty spots. Now keep this in mind as you look at the picture below and you remember that I said, Jess would not take a bottle. Please also keep in mind that I only breastfeed at night before bed. I am very shy about the feeding. So shy in fact that I would only feed her at home and once I went to work, I pumped just so she could have it and I wouldn't have to do it in public. I know, I know, we will have to have this discussion later. That is the ONLY time Jess gets the boob. Well this day, she made it clear that she wanted it and she was going to get it. It was the only thing she would take to make her feel better cause you know mommies make babies feel better all of the time. My MIL thought I was brave for doing this and believe you me, I was embarrassed and upset to do this but I had no choice. There was another woman just sitting in the open with hers flopped out for the world to see and I knew I couldn't do that so here is the pic of me feeding her... can't even tell huh. I felt better once I talked to another lady that said I should just ask people who stare if they want to know what I am doing and if they say anything, tell then, "well you have to eat too." Okay the man behind me could tell what I was doing and I thought my MIL was going to have to say something for the looks we were getting from around us. Oh well.And this below is what you get when you give her what she wanted and needed. A sleeping baby that is so relaxed, we all wish we could sleep like that don't we? haha. Just for those who are saying that we never should have had her out there. First, she was not the only one out there and out of the 5 babies I saw around us (all around her age) We were the only one with the battery operated fan as seen in the picture. She loved it and she was never hot to the touch.

Ya ll take care and I would love to see your 4th pictures.

HOSPTIAL stay

2009-06-29T10:46:00.000-07:00

Yes you read that right. Jessica was put in the hospital for an overnight stay. Why you ask? Well she spiked a fever (101.8) on Wednesday and I called the doctor to see how much Tylenol to give her. He then informed me that I needed to bring her in. I said okay well we will see you at the emergency room and he said, no you need to bring her to the 3rd floor and we will admit her. He then told me that babies her age do not run fever unless something is wrong. I was freaked..... She wasn't though.....
This is me and Jessica in the front yard 2 weeks ago. She loves that darn chair. See, she is all smiles. Loves it I tell you. Right before check-in. Daddy is getting her calmed down.Getting ready for the blood work.What do you know.... She is still all smiles.Daddy kept her calm though.God I love her.The dreaded IV. I didn't want to go thru all o this anymore.
Sucking her thumb, do you see that. She doesn't like the binki for now.
Danny cuddling up before we leave
Just a side note, I am not quite ready to tell you anymore but I have lost 12 lbs since giving birth. This is something cool during this bad time. I can tell in this picture. My face is starting to look thin. Woooo hooooo.

Here's Jess!

2009-06-22T09:40:00.000-07:00

Hello mommies favorite people. I thought I would get on here and tell you what has been going on. Mommy is so tierd from being at work and missing me all day, she just can't open that picture thing she calls a computer at night. To be honest, I won't let her. Shhhh don't tell her but I missed her so much all day that I don't want her to do anything but hold me at night. I have learned that the more I cry, the faster she picks me up. I love to have staring contests with her and daddy, see....... When they pick me up, I am all smiles. I don't smile much during the day for my mi-mi cause I have to save all the good stuff for mommy, daddy and bubba. This is my famous goofy grin. lol

"I so mad at my bubba right now cause he went to camp and left me for a whole week. I could just beat him up right now. I guess I will just have to love on mommy and daddy more.

I want to show off how big I have gotten. I weighed 11.5 lbs today at the doctor. Mommy has stopped crying over me getting bigger. I think it was because daddy said the alternative was to stop feeding me... OH NO YOU DON'T.

See how much I love my bubba. I like to sleep on his chest. He doesn't snore as bad as daddy.

I wanted to tell you that I heard mommy talking to daddy and he told her that he didn't mean to make her feel left out or unattractive. He said that she could put me in my bed a couple of nights a week (WTH!! not funny) so that they could have some cuddle time. I also heard daddy call a Hotel and make a reservation for him and mommy. (what does that mean?) Mommy is not crying like she was before and I think that is good. I am getting better with her being gone all day long and I try to make her feel very special at night when she gets to pick me up. I love my mommy and I don't like it when she is upset. Mommy tells me that she likes the people she works with but she loves me and wishes she could be home with me. I love her too and I wish she could to but I like seeing my mi-mi and I like getting out of the house. I also like all of the new stuff mommy buys and she said that if she was not working, I couldn't have all of those cute cloths... Oh wait she said something about not being able to make the house note if she wasn't working to. I am not for sure.

Alright, I am tired and need a nap. I will pop mommy and tell her to post an update soon.

Baby blues and almost 6 weeks

2009-06-03T18:44:00.000-07:00

OMG! my little wonderful, beautiful girl is almost 6 weeks. This is the point to where the crying begins. Yes there have been tears for today and for the days to come, I am sure. You see, I am going to my 6 week check up on Monday at 11:30 which will be followed by a note that will allow me to go back to work. I will then have to go out to the benefits office and turn it in. I will then have to go home and spend my last few hours loving on my baby girl. The next morning will start at 4 with a feeding my wonderful baby and then jump into the shower, followed by getting the hubby up so that we can leave at 5. I better rethink this and get up at 3:30 cause I still have to pack lunches and make the morning coffee. We have to be out of the door by 4:50 and drive 2 miles to MIL and drop off the baby. I will make is quick so that I don't cry over her.

I then have to be work and in the gate by 5:30. I will sit at my desk and think about my baby girl and how she is still sleeping. At 7 my boobs will tell me that she wants to eat. I will not get to pump until after the staff meeting and so I can't pump till 8. I will call MIL after that and so the tears will start again. The first week I will be getting off at 11. I am working my way into this.

I am not looking forward to this at all. I really am crying right now over this. Okay on to the next thing getting to me right now. I am 11 lbs under the weight that I was the day I went into labor. I am proud of this. VERY proud of this. My husband, however has not even noticed. I feel like the most UNsexy woman alive. I don't know how many of you know what I mean but my DH has no interest in romance... you know what I mean. Plus I should say that I am still slightly bleeding so I am not interested in this either but I feel that the kisses are short and quick. I don't know that I can explain this but I just feel neglected. I am jealous of watching DH and his little princess and listening to him tell her how beautiful she is and what am I?, chopped liver. I hope I don't sound stupid but I hoping that someone will understand and tell me how to deal with it. I will talk more about other issues like poor milk supply and taking supplements to help. AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Sometimes, I wish I could just keep the tissues around......... lol

2009-05-27T20:18:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to drop in for just a moment and let you know that all is GREAT!!! I really will post tomorrow but for now, our little princess is 1 month old and I can't belive it. Ain't she just the cutest..... lol.....

Jessica's story

2009-05-09T16:23:00.000-07:00

Ok I finally have just a moment to write this so I think I should take advantage. I will start with the birth story. I warn you that it is short. lol.

I had been having mild contractions (ones that would just catch you off guard but not stop you in your tracks) all day on Sunday. We all went to the flea market and walked around. I was uncomfortable but nothing too bad. I laughed and even ordered a dress for Jess. Jeff and I were frustrated as she was teasing us again. Contractions were not steady and when they were they never lasted more than an hour and as soon as I would get in the truck to go to the hospital, they would stop.

On Monday I had a doctors appt at 1:45 and so I thought I would just go in and we would schedule Friday's induction. I had pains that morning but again, nothing steady and nothing too hard. We went in and laughed that we were going to the local Waffle house afterwards as I was starving. lol. While having the exam, I could tell that there was something different about the way the doctor was touching me and so when we went into the office to talk to him, I was shocked when he said that I was between 5 and 6 and we needed to go to the hospital to "get this over with". J and I were crying and laughing and getting all excited. We went to get our son from school and it was funny when I went in the office to check him out and there was about 10 women in there freaking out that I was going to have a baby in the next few minutes and I was so calm. I mean I still was not feeling anything. We got to the hospital admission and we told the woman that I was in labor, only to have her make me sit and wait for 20 minutes. I knew that my doctor was there and waiting but we had to wait. Finally they told me to just go to L&D. Come to find out L&D had been expecting me and called down to see if I was there and when told that I was, they told them to send me up.... I was in labor.... duh!!!

Once in there, I got and IV at 2:30 and then I had to get a quick bag of fluids before my epidural. I was so happy to see the "happy dr" cause I was ready to get the Pitocin and get the show on the road. I got the epidural and knew from the get go that there was something wrong. It was not what I had done research on. There was actual pain and not pressure. I told him but he just joked it off and continued to flirt with the nurse. I breathed thru the pain and continued to pray. They nurse (whom I love) then turned up the Pitocin from 2 to 10 and the contractions started right away and were 2 minutes apart. I struggled thru the pain and kept telling them that I was feeling everything. The "happy dr" came back and gave me a "booster". Well it lasted about 5 minutes and then it was on again. My dr. came in to check on me and realized right away that I was doing this naturally. He asked me if I wanted pain meds in my IV and I was adimate that I didn't. I had nightmares with our son's birth and I was not going back. I told him that I could do this and I could breath thru them. My contractions were not 30 seconds apart and hard as all get out. His nurse (whom I again, love) told him that I was doing great with my breathing and that she thought I would be fine. My dr. was so sweet. He told me that I had waited too long for her and now was the time and he was sure that I could do it.

We got our son in there and he went to hide in the bathroom for the actual delivery and then it was time to push. I pushed once and I am here to tell you that it felt as though the doctor had his hands in there and holding her in. I couldn't push past him. I started to panic for about 30 seconds with the raising of my voice saying that I couldn't do it. DH says that I never raised my voice and that I was always in control but I was not for sure of that. lol. I pulled it together and prayed out loud for strength to get thru it. I then ( and I promise you I remember this) lifted my head and told the doctor that if he would get his fingers out of me, I could push my baby girl out. Even the nurse gave me a look of shock. He did what I asked and i pushed and her head was out. I stopped and then I pushed for her body. That was the 3 pushes and she was here. It was just like I wanted, she cried and they put her on my chest. I was crying, so was DH and so was the MIL. It was the best. I apologized over and over again and the dr told me that I didn't need to. I learned later that he was only trying to stretch me so I didn't tear and since I wouldn't let him help, I tore and needed 8 stitches. I still felt horrible for the way I acted. He said I was fine.

Jess was born at 5:28 so almost exactly 3 hours after my IV, she was here. My time in the hospital was great. I would have to tell you later my stay story. My nurses were the best. Okay not some but still those were not that bad. The pictures are me right after the birth. I really felt great. I mean, I just gave birth but I felt great. Then there is the first pic of Jess and then a new one just for you to look at our beauty. I am so happy to have her and I thank God every day that she is here. It was worth the journey.

On the breast feeding front, I am pumping and giving it to her in a bottle. That is working great for us. More on that as well later. haha.

The beast, I mean breast

2009-05-02T06:20:00.001-07:00

Wow, I am telling you, I was not expecting the breast beast. let me explain, I am not a little woman. I have a full figure and wear a size 16 normally. Well with that said, I do not have small breasts normally. I usually wear a 40 DD and when I got pregnant, by the time I was 6 months, I was up to a 42 G. Oh yes you read that right. Well now with the engorging breasts, I have no clue what size they are but I can tell you that they put Dolly to shame. I seriously think I am bigger than she is. It is horrible. As for the breast feeding, well Jess had low blood sugar when she was born and so in order to keep it up, they told me that she needed the formula but they all reassured me that I would still be able to breast feed. While this is true, I am having serious issues with the engorgement and the tightness in the nipples. I have to expel some mild so that she can latch. Although sometimes this still does not help. I also have to have DH massage them while I am pumping just to get relief. He is the best!!!! I will have to post more about him later. I so have to post her birth story and as short as it will be, I just haven't stopped to look at the notes. haha. Any help you can give would be appreciated.

Now, for why you really came. lol.

Jessica Leeann

2009-04-29T16:47:00.000-07:00

I would like to introduce you to the most beautiful girl I have ever held in my arms. (I know all of us moms think this) hehe.

She was born with a great delivery (really, even though the epidural didn't take!!) I will post more later and post the birth story later but for now, I am tierd and trying to pump. lol. Thank you all for your emails and your support. I love you all.

2009-04-27T23:50:00.001-07:00

Jessica is here!! Born at 528 on 4 27 09. I CANT BELIEVE IT! She is beautiful. She weighed 6 even. Thank you for all of your prayers.

No baby

2009-04-15T12:52:00.000-07:00

Hello to you all. I have been really bad to post but that is in large part to bad internet cord. I will tell you that I am not 35 1\2 weeks pregnant and dilated 3 and 80% effaced. Dr. said that he had to reach around her head to feel my cervix so that means that she is bulging thru. wooo hoooo. He told me that anytime after 36 weeks, we could go. We have had the steroid shots and we have our NSTs done every week and she is just beautiful. I can't wait to meet her. She likes to tease me and her daddy by throwing in some contractions here and there. Ahhhhh I will keep you posted.

Back with the blues

2009-04-02T17:03:00.000-07:00

I am finally back online and happy about that. The walls are starting to close in on me but I am still okay with it. I know that J needs to bake just a little more. I am going stir crazy but I will deal with it. I did get to get out today and pay the house note. I know that forking out that much money would not usually make someone happy but for me, it was a vacation. While out, I got to buy J a cute little outfit that says Daddy's lil sweetie. Awwweee, I can hear you saying it. I have been reading alot of new blogs today and I tell you, there are more and more of us out there that I had no idea about. whew!!! I have alot of digging to do. haha. I am feeling a little under the weather with all of the allergy stuff going on so I think I am going to take a Tylenol cold and go lay down. Thank you so much for your emails and support. It really does keep me company during the day.

It has GOT to get better

2009-03-30T15:43:00.000-07:00

Well to add to the bed rest blues, I have developed some kind of allergy and sinus party in my head. This is so not cool. My internet is down in the living room and so I have to go the J's nursery (which I really don't mind) but the only thing that is in there for me to sit on is the rocker and it is not that comfy when trying to type. Oh I so know that I am whining and I am not okay with that. I wanted to have the perfect pregnancy with the jaw dropping water breakage and the OMG honey, it's time. Well, that is not going to happen and it has me all down.

I think I am just having a blue day. I will back tomorrow and hopefully be in a better mood.

Bed rest blues

2009-03-26T14:36:00.000-07:00

Hello out there in blog land. After a very eventful 2 days and a not so happy doctors appointment, I have been put on bed rest for the duration of my pregnancy. You see I started having pains and I spoke in general of them in the last post but you see, come to find out they really were contractions!!!! Oh yes I said the bad word. I also found out that I am 2 cm dialated. Now for those of you that are pregnant, let me just tell you, pay attention to your body. I mean hell I have been thru this once before and granted, it was 14 years ago but still, I didn't pay attention and it could have been alot worse.

Dr. is letting me stay on bedrest at home so I am trying to stay calm. I have had a steriod shot today and will have another after the NST scan tomorrow. I am so tierd from the events, I am going to bed but I will be back. Hey if you get a chance or you get bored. Drop a line, I love talking to all of you.

WOW, thank you!

2009-03-25T05:16:00.001-07:00

WOW!

I have to say that when I started blogging it was a vent and then it turned into a place to connect to people that were suffering what DH and I were. What I found was a community of love. We are so close to one another whether you only read just a few blogs or you are like me and you have a core you read everyday and then you venture out several times a week to see more. I have to say that the core group of ladies that I comment and read are the best. I know, I know you have the best ladies too. Well I came home yesterday to a wonderful, delicious package….. see……

Melissa sent J these 3 wonderfully cute outfits. She is going to look so cute in them. Say it with me now…. Aweeeee!!!!! Thank you so much Melissa. Your Eve is just the cutest little darling I have seen. I am so happy for you and your DH as I know your journey.

On the home front, we are fine. I have been having some mild contractions but that is normal. The only thing that is concerning to me though is the pressure I feel. I feel like my water is on the verge of breaking. If that makes sense. I also feel as though my pelvic, pubic bone is going to break. It aches and is painful when turning over in the bed. My belly is hard as a rock and DH gets worried. I try to assure him that this is okay. Is it?

Since I have not done it, here is my 32 week picture. I think I am finally looking pregnant and not just bloated. Lol.

We have our biweekly appt tomorrow and we will start the NST scans next week. See there is where the blog world comes in again. I had never heard of that until Melissa and then several others of you had to have them. I am so at peace about what they are doing. I also get to talk to him about induction at 38 weeks. Whew..... you realize that is only 5 weeks away right?! Well I do. I also realize that he has told me if I go into labor at 36 weeks, he is going to let it happen. Well OMG, that is only 3 weeks away.

My last day of work is next week and so I plan to nest then. I really am not looking forward to leaving but I am ready for some sleep. Getting up at 4:15 in the morning and not being able to lay down due to dinner and homework and cleaning... yuck until 9:30 is killing me. It is making me sick and I am over it.

I so need to post the pictures from the shower. I can’t talk about it just yet without crying still. It was the sweetest thing ever. I also was thrown a little shower by the girls in my bible study. That was one to make me tear up as well. I will post those within the next few days.

Thank you to all of you that read. You brighten my day and I don’t know what I would have done without you.

Pregnancy oops!!!

2009-03-18T18:01:00.000-07:00

Okay, this will not be long as I have to get back to bed but I wanted to share with you something that happened. I will update you a little first. Last week I saw the dr and he said that yep, I am officially a gestational diabetic. Nope not good news..... Baby was fine just have to go for NSTs starting next week. Soooo with that being said, now for the best of the worst....

Yesterday right after getting to work, I went back down to the truck in order to move it for a better spot (long story) well as I came around one of the crates, I did not see the board that was sticking out from the side of the crate on the ground and you guessed it, I tripped and fell. Now I can tell you that it replays in my mind as one of those slow motion movies and I could see myself going down and no matter how hard I tried, I could not turn my body to avoid the inevitable face plant. I did land directly on my pregnant belly. I was horrified, scared to say the least. I pulled myself over to my cell and put it back together as it was eating its demise once hitting the pavement. I called for one of the guys I work with and he came very quickly to assist me.

I was taken to the company hospital and waited there for DH to get there. He then drove me to the hospital to be checked out. I was terrified as I had not felt J move since the fall and I couldn't control my fear. I lay in the hospital bed for a few minutes and she started up. She was on it too. I mean that child was practicing for the Olympics. All of this to tell you that J is fine. Heart rate is perfect. No contractions and no dilation. DH and I could not be more grateful to the lord above for this.

I want all of you to know that read and are currently pregnant, that they are not making it up. You really are front heavy and falls come easier to you. Please take care of yourself and please try to avoid the boards. haha.

WOW! 30 weeks

2009-03-10T06:34:00.000-07:00

I say that I am 30 weeks but I am within just a few days of being 31 weeks. I am in shock. haha. I am blessed beyond measure to have made it this far and I don't take for granted 1 day or even 1 movement. I am surrounded with such wonderful, supportive and loving people.

My shower is Saturday and I am so excited. DH has been working on the patio and making sure that everything looks good for me. I am smiling from ear to ear talking about him. I will have to take pictures of my new rose garden and all of the beautiful plants that I got to put out. I love to garden but now only if it is all sitting in the bed of the truck and I can reach it easily. lol.

Here are just a few pictures of DH working so hard on the patio. Look how filthy he is...... That is just plain sexy to me. haha. He should be glad that after 15 years of me being married to him, I still say that. haha. All right 31 week belly shots to come.

Love of life

2009-03-04T12:22:00.001-08:00

Wow! I really would never have made the 365 blog. I mean, I can't make it even every other day. I have to say though that Melissa had her baby and oh how cute EVE is.

My sister also had her baby. That is what has kept me away from the blog. I still have been peeking in on all of you to make sure that you are okay, I just haven't been able to post. Here she is....... (make sure you notice the weight of this kid)

We welcomed Sophie on 2/24/09. She was a fat baby born on Fat Tuesday. lol. I thought that to help my sister out, I would drive to Baton Rouge (2 1\2 hours away) by myself and pick up the other 3 children that she has. (Don't get me started) I love those kids and so does DH and DS. I thought to keep it a secret that I was bringing them back with me as DH would have said no because it was just too much for me to handle at almost 30 weeks pregnant myself. Oh well I am stubborn, I did it anyway. He was at the door when I got home (I was 3 hours late) waiting for me and when he saw K K he gave me that look of mad and then turned it right to a smile.

I realized really quickly that my husband has waited a long time for this little girl in my womb. I think that he is just as devastated by infertility as I am. You see I took for granted that he understood. Yeah I have posted about this before but I truly thought that he was not understanding. He just kept saying, baby our time is coming. It will happen. Quit stressing over it. As any of you can imagine, this never sat well with me but I just kept all of my feelings bottled up and when it would come out, it was not pretty at all. I wanted to strangle him. I wanted to shove him in a corner and hurt him. lol.

All of that said, I realized just how effected he really was. I watched my husband who is an affectionate man normally but not overly so, cuddle with my niece and kiss her gently on the forehead and make sure that she was feeling okay. I watched as he sat beside them at bedtime to say their prayers. I watched him tear up when they had to go home after only a few days. this is not my normal DH you see.

After the conversations I just sat and cried. I never realized how badly my DH wanted a daughter. I mean every man wants a son right? and we have one. He is a great kid and DH has been a great dad. DH explained that boys always gravitate to momma and daddy's are there to keep them in line pretty much. Well DH was not at himself when DS was born or throughout his first 4 years or so. He was struggling with Alcoholism. I praise the lord that he is better now. He thinks that is why this is affecting him so greatly. He knows that "daddy's lil lady" will be here soon and he will be here to change her diaper and hold her and comfort her. he really gets it now.

I know I am babbling. I really don't have rational thoughts anymore. They are more sentences that can be pieced together. lol.

2009-02-23T06:43:00.000-08:00

*sniff* My favorite daily read http://aliciamillis.typepad.com/alicia/ gave me an award!!!! Might I add that it is my first award so I am going to take it and run.....

The rules of the award: 1) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design. 2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with "Honest Scrap." Well, there's no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon. 3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

1. I struggle with self confidence
2. I love my 13 year-old to no end
3. I secretly desire my DH to lay rose petals on the bed (lol)
4. I have 2 wonderful dogs
5. I play on the internet too much
6. I sit in J's room sometimes and sniff the new baby cloths
7. My DH is a recovering Alcoholic
8. We are stronger for the above.... I love that man...
9. I have a horrible phobia of rats (yes they are all rats, white, brown, small, big ) *yuck*
10. I am nervous over this baby!!!!!!!!!!!!

My 7 are... (I am not good with the posting the names and not the links.... sorry guys)

http://melissaandjeffrey.blogspot.com/

http://baby-loss.blogspot.com/

http://www.wannabeafertileturtle.blogspot.com/

http://carryingacrystalbox.blogspot.com/

http://jewels320.blogspot.com/

http://amandalyn717.blogspot.com/

http://elanasmusings.blogspot.com/

Update on house and baby

2009-02-11T06:33:00.000-08:00

OH, OH, OH look at the ticker, I am below 100 days. woooo hoooo. I do have news on the sugar test... I bombed. I mean she told me that anything under 140 was fine. Well I pegged a 201. Yep, not great. I have been put on a diet and anything I crave has been taken away. lol. I am fine with this and now my sugar stays between 76 and 100 so that is fantastic. Baby J is doing great but she is measuring about 2 weeks ahead so we will be monitoring her closley. hmmmm big baby you say? lol

I am so sorry that I have been gone so lone. Thank you so much to everyone that came over from LFCA. Your sweet connections keep me going. We have been moved in for a week and a half now and OMG, it is great. the house looks fantastic and is still in the works but for now, I am playing with decorations and such. Jessica's room is just about done but I will have to show you some "in work" pictures cause the bed is bought and so is the changing table. (it is a $200 table that I got for $60 from Sears) woooo hooooo. There is so much I want to share but I really need to get my thoughts in order so for now, I leave you with updated pictures.... Oh and a question....

I am 26w5d pregnant. (wooo hoo for that) and I feel her move everyday, all day. I have to say that in the last 3 days it has changed. Where I used to could feel her high, I can't now. She is low and I mean low. I think she is dancing a jig right above my anus (TMI, sorry) and whoo, whoo. It is so bad that I think she is going to stick a foot thru one of those places. It is sometimes painful. I just would like to know if this is normal. That may sound dumb but I don't remember this feeling from before. Again, thank you so much for your kind words.......

Here is the living room, Shelves in the corner need to be fixed and the "stuff" needs to be put on them. Look at my sweet Hannah laying on the couch. lol.

Oh here is my kitchen. Oh how I love it. I love the stools that I got from Hudson's for $8 a piece and I love that island that was $289 and I got it for $115. I also love the new fridge but that was not on sale. lol.

this is J's room. I still have squares to paint in there that will be red but for now, this is looking good. hehe.

This is the hallway. I just wanted to show that my pictures are starting to be hung. Daddy and Thomas are in the house and that was a touching moment for me to see their faces. Man I miss them. They would be so happy for us.

this is standing in the living room looking at the "foyer". I am still looking for that just right table to put there.

here is the den. As you can see I collect wedding dolls. My MIL and FIL would get me one every year for Christmas. Oh how I love them. I will have to show you pictures one day of them up close.

Ahhhh, and here is the start of lil J's room. That is my BeFri for 16 years painting her flower on the purple wall. hehe. Pictures do not do that Lavender color justice.

Just a little more suspense, here is the knob that we have to go back out to Lowes to buy because, I thought it would look okay and DH thought it would be great. Wellll he was right and now I have to go get more for the changing table pulls. Shhhh don't tell him I told you that.

And here you go, this is J's room. *sniff* I know it is not done and it still needs the shelves and the pictures hung but I am so happy with it. Our glider will be here this weekend and I am going to make DH hang everything else. Oh and o you see the princess ribbon canopy that is finally hanging. haha. I am in love with this room.

With all of that said, I want you to know that even typing this makes me weepy. I love this house and I just can't believe we are back in it right now.

News beyond news

2009-01-25T18:54:00.000-08:00

I have been working on how I would put this into words and so I sat down tonight to do just that. First of all I have not given birth. lol. I am sitting in my recliner with a huge smile on my face. I am not posting this right away as I want to get the photos to go with it so you will be reading this on Tuesday and I am typing this on Sunday.

I will give you a brief history. My family was "lease to purchasing" a house. We were sure that this was our dream home. It was the place we just knew that we were going to retire to. The neighborhood is a great one. I could go on and on about it but I will move on. DH, son and I went thru hurricane Katrina 3 1\2 years ago. On August 28th, we loaded up what little would fit into a Kia Spectra trunk and took off north. Now I am sure most of you have seen the news footage of the Mississippi Gulf Coast devastation. We were not free of this. The house that we lived in is 2.2 miles from the beach so you can imagine the tidal surge. We, like so many others got 3 foot of water in our home on August 29th. We came home to the grossest things you could imagine. Our fridge was in front of the door and all of our stuff was ruined. Yes some things could be saved but when wood meets salt water and human waste, there is not much you can do about it. In the bottom of the entertainment center were photo albums and son's baby book. I didn't think to pick them up as I never expected water in the house. I thought the worst that could happen would be that the tall pine tree on the side of the house would have fallen onto the house. I was sure we could fix that. As we pulled up to the house, I cried with relief that the pine tree had not fallen. I was devastated when I came into the front door and saw the horrible sight.

This is a picture of a house that was washed away. Please keep in mind that this was only 2 miles directly south of our home.

I don't have pictures as of the house before and after as the computer that I saved them to crashed and the hard drive was irretrievable. I don't know that I could look at them again anyway. It is still too painful.

Over the next week, we gutted the house of all of our belongings. I was sure I could save my cloths as I thought they could be washed. I didn't know that my mom simply handling them would give her a bacteria that would just about put her into the hospital. So as I am sure you can imagine, We hauled out a pile that was 20 feet long and 6 feet high. It was nothing I could grasp at the time. I just wanted to wake up. I wanted to be home again.

We kept moving on. We got the FEMA trailer (which became mold infested within a month) and we were trying to get grant money, only to find out that with the "lease to purchase" we were considered renters and were not able to get the government money that was helping so many people. That was the second blow. We then moved on to an SBA loan. We were sure our luck would turn when we found out that we received a loan and that it would be enough to buy this house outright and to fix it. We could worry about the furniture later but for now, we thought of this as being great.

This elation was crapped out a few weeks later when we found out that the people that we were buying the home from had filed bankruptcy and and that the house we loved so much was in with that case. We fought as best we could only to be told by the bank that had the house that they considered us a part of the bankruptcy even though our name was not on the paperwork. This was the 3rd blow to our family. We were crushed. After finding this out, it was only 2 months later until DHs dad, the heart and soul of our family passed from a massive heart attack. This was the 4th and final blow. We felt as if we could not go on.

We moved our FEMA trailer to MIL front yard and progressively moved to an apartment that ended up being what we called "crackville" as the bottom floor was gutted and open leading to homeless and drug users sleeping right below us. We then moved to the house that we currently live in which is right next door to MIL and this has served a great purpose. We have been here for a year and a half. After the first year, we were told that our lease was a month to month lease and that at any time we could pay our rent on the first of the month and they could tell us that this would be the last and we would have to get out. Month to month, DH and I live in fear of having a place to live. I am sure you can imagine what this is like when you are pregnant and you are trying to get a nursery finished.

I tell you all of this only to say that a week ago, DH and I drove past the old house and noticed a phone number in the window. We called and after 3 more phone calls, we came in touch with the owner. We found that the house was about to go on the market within the next week and we were so upset. I mean this was OUR house. After many discussions and such I am proud to tell you that DH, son and I have signed on this house. Yes, you read that right, we are buying that same house. It has been redone totally and is beautiful. You can see the pics below. It was an amazing journey and I am in disbelief. I can't tell you how much this means. Blessings is not a big enough word for what the Lord has done for us in the last 6 months. I sit here and update this post with the new pictures, I can feel our miracle baby moving up a storm. I love it.

Now without further adew, here is the house.....

Outside before the signing...

DH and son, pulling the for sale sign after the signing. I know it is dark but I had to get a picture of it.

Here are the keys in my hand. What a moment.

Now let's take a tour, here is the living room......

Here is the hallway.......

I want you to look at this wonderfully beautiful kitchen. Ahhhhh and look at the gas stove... ...

This is Jessica's room. DH has picked out a wonderful lavender color for this room.... what a daddy.....

This is the dining area. I am little up in the air about that light but I am sure it will look great with the table under it.

This is the view when you walk in the front door.

This is sons room. He is in the corner of the house and he loves it.

This is our bedroom......

This is our master bath....

This is Sons bathroom (main bath in the hall)

I can not wait to show you the updated pictures after we move in. We have been more than blessed to get a ton of help moving. I can't do it and believe you me, everyone is reminding me of that. I think the belly is giving it away.

sleep and 24 weeks

2009-01-20T06:15:00.001-08:00

Well again, not so good on the posting situation. When you have a migraine that lasts almost 4 days and when it does ease off for just a minute of peace, you finally want to talk to your family. Haha.

So far so good. I am only 3 days from being 24 weeks. Wooooohoooooo. I am not for sure why I keep measuring this pregnancy in milestones. There was the inevitable 6 week mark and then the 12 week out of the first trimester sigh of relief . Then there was the milestone of feeling her move and now the milestone of making it to viability. I think the next one will be to just make it to delivery. Haha.

DH and I have several Mardi Gras things coming up including some of the wonderful Balls that are thrown by different organizations. I really am not up for the formal attire that these require but man are they fun. Pretty gowns and costumes, loads of friends that you have not seen in a while. You just can’t help but enjoy.

So here is a 24 week picture. Man look at that belly. I am getting on out there. I can’t sleep worth a flip. I am not complaining. Just stating a fact. Haha.

ahhhhh a pregnant migrane sucks

2009-01-13T07:58:00.001-08:00

So yesterday was horrible. I had a migrane like never before. I couldn't talk, keep my eyes open or function at anything. I was so miserable. DH took me home and took great care of me. He made sure that my heat pack was kept warm and made it dark in the living room and he even took care of dinner. Oh how I love that man. I am on travel for work tonight and I didn't even pack a bag last night. I had to rush and get things together this morning which included leaving my laptop. So not funny. I am however looking forward to the Sheraton deep bath with an unlimited supply of hot water. lol.

Just a suggestion to you, if you ever need a heating pack and don't have one, let me give you a suggestion.....
Take a sock and fill it with rice (uncooked) and tie a knot in the end. Put it in the microwave for about a minute at time until desired heat. There you go. You can mold it to any shape you need for any pain you have. DH's doctor told us about it and it is awsome. It will keep for a long time as you are not really cooking the rice and it holds heat for about 45 minutes. I love it.

Movement and fear

2009-01-11T10:17:00.000-08:00

So with the computer down this weekend. I am not making my 365 blog. Sooooooo I will just try my best from here on out.

I read a post by Alicia and I laughed most of the morning. She blogged about her obsessive pantie checking. Come on, you know what I am talking about. Infertility affects you in a different manor and for me it was the same as her. It has now progressed on to an obsession over movement. I am happy that I can feel our little baby girl is moving regularly but it is also a time when if I don't feel her for an hour or so, I freak out. Last night was the worst so far. You see, I had been very active with trying to get the front room cleaned for the nursery for B and last night when I went to bed which is normally a very active time was very quiet. I was very frightened by this. I didn't sleep well because of this. I find myself poking on my belly to make her move so that she will move around. After last night and the poking was not working at all. It took until this morning to feel her rolling and kicking and punching. It was a relief. I am terrified of not feeling her move for a while. It bothers me. I have faith that the Lord is going to keep our daughter safe and healthy, I just can't loose that fear.

Infertility sucks and all who have went thru it know what I mean. It is hard to move past the fear and move past the sense of something going wrong. I will work toward making that better. whew, that felt better to get it off of my chest. Thanks for listening.

blessings

2009-01-08T04:20:00.000-08:00

I so agree with the emails that you all have sent. MIL is doing great. Worry about her great if you know what I mean.

So yesterday DH and I were discussing the issue with the nursery. I know I have told you about this before but DH and I keep our nephew every weekend, yes every weekend. Thursday to Sunday afternoon to be exact. This has been his room for a long time. He knows this space. I was wanting to get J's room set up but he has put me off and told me not yet. Well after much discussing we came to the decision that this weekend will be devoted to getting the front office cleaned out of all of the clutter that has accumulated over the last few months. This stuff will be taken to storage. I am then going to go and buy some things to make an area for him. I am going to put Lightning McQueen things in there and such. I will put a table in there and so on. This is a big room and kind of has been a catch all but not anymore. I think we are going to make this for Brandon. I will share pictures. All of this being said, it looks as though I will be doing 1 1\2 nursery's this weekend. lol.

I have questions about showers (baby that is). My friend is wanting to have one for me the 3rd week in February and I am due the first of May. My MIL says that this is too early and my mom says that it's not. She says that everyone is just so excited and ready for this shower. I really don't know what to do. Please help.

Another day

2009-01-07T03:36:00.000-08:00

So yesterday was a little better at work and I am happy for that one. MIL is doing better. She seems to be in a cleaning mood. I know that she feels relief yet there is a worry of what is to come. We will see with that one. I am a little short for time but hope to update later.

whew what a day

2009-01-06T03:37:00.000-08:00

So I don't know what happened but my computer froze and I thought that the below post made it but apparently it did not so here we go for yesterday....

so today was the first day back to work and boy what a day it was.... I was hemmed up. I mean busy. Not that I normally am not but there was something about being out those 2 weeks that about kicked my butt.

Tater was not happy with getting up at 4 in the morning again but hey.... there was nothing mommy could do. She kicked all day long. Really I mean all day. She hates it when I sit for too longs. She will punch me low time after time... I tell my DH that she is telling me to get off of her head. lol.

While typing this, I am sad and happy at the same time. My MIL quit her job after 21 years. She has been in hell with Satan's spawn for the last 3 years. I mean I knew it was a hard place to work and I knew that there was one woman that was giving her a hard time but after talking to her I didn't get the gist of just how bad it was. To top it all off, she did this on Tuesday before Christmas and made it thru the holiday with a happy face. I am in shock. I just can not believe it. I will post more tomorrow but for now tater and I need sleep.

Back to the grindstone

2009-01-04T18:34:00.000-08:00

So tomorrow is back to work. After 2 weeks off and being sick for the majority of it. I did not get time to enjoy. Nor did I get time to really do anything that I wanted to do. I wanted to put our sweet girls room together and I wanted to get some of the things in order. I did however get to rest alot and enjoy my boys. DH and son are in a great mood. He is in school for the next month so no hot steamy ship to work on. I am sure that he will enjoy this.

I kind of look forward to going back. It makes my time go by faster and I love where I work and who I work with and for. I miss them. Really I do. Don't tell them though. I don't however look forward to the toms of email that I am going to have to sift thru and sort out.

I am now on the home streach. I have been telling myself that the first of the year will make the turning point and here we are........ I can feel her moving every day now and it is most always in the same spots, however, I can feel where she is. It freaks our son out but he asks to feel all of the time. He can't feel her kicks yet but I am sure that is not far off. He just likes to feel where she is balled up. This is great and I am so Thankful.

Already slipping

2009-01-03T14:57:00.001-08:00

So I was lying in bed last night and around 1 when I woke up, I realized that I did not post yesterday. Here it is the second day of the new year and I was slipping on my posts.

I wanted to tell you about my dr.s appt. last week. You see we were off from work for 2 weeks and all but 4 days I have been sick. Different things and different times but all during this time off and it made it horrible. I mustered thru and made sure that the holiday was great, however when I went to the dr. on Wednesday, I found out that I had lost 7 lbs. yes you read that right, 7. He was not too alarmed but told me that I was dehydrated and that he was on the verge of sending me for a bad of fluids. This was not good. I was worried. I quickly calculated that I am half way thru and I am still down 4 lbs over all. Dr. B talls me that overall my weight is fine as I am overweight to begin with. I was okay with this statement but worried about the baby and then he told me that she was measuring a week ahead and she was great. I was happy about that. So all in all I am happy with my body so far. 21 week pics to come soon.

Happy new year

2009-01-01T17:10:00.000-08:00

Hello to all of you. I hope that this blog finds you and your family well and in good spirits. I pray that this will be a great year. So many of you are expecting now and I know that last year, your hopes were dashed. I pray that the Lord keeps you within his arms of safety and I look forward to seeing ALL of your beautiful children. Really I do.

With that being said, I am setting the goal of blogging every day. Yes I know that is horrible anxiety to give myself. I plan to do it though. I am now on the cusp of being 21 weeks and for me that is unreal. I never thought that this day would come but I prayed for it. Thank you Lord. Thank you all for your support. I look forward to another year with you.

18 weeks pregnant

2008-12-16T06:37:00.001-08:00

Well here are the 18 week pictures. I think I am showing more than I feel I am. After seeing this picture, I realized that there is a curve to the belly and not what I am seeing in the mirror from full frontal. Lol. I am not quite to the bare belly shot stage. I am still reserved on that one.

This is our lovely Christmas tree. I really should take a picture of it when it is lit up. I did want to tell you that while out this weekend, DH was mad that I was not looking for more maternity pants. You see right before getting pregnant, I had lost 32 lbs and so I had pants that were way too big on my. Well gradually, they have started to fit and now they are snug. He tells me that I am cutting her in half. Yeah like that is really true. Any whoooo, I went to Motherhood and got 2 more pair. That now gives me 4 pair and will get me thru the week. You are looking at a wonderful pair of the casual dress black in this picture. I also went to Cato and got 4 shirts for $35. I was so happy. You are seeing the beautiful pink version here. Lol. I would love for you to be able to see the rest of them. DH says that I look like I am the wrapped present for under the tree this week. I love that man. We are going to have pictures taken Thursday night. I am hoping they will come out fabulous like I expect them to.

I will also say that with a head hung low and embarrassment on my face, yet again in just 1 month, yes 1 month, I have grown another size in the chest and had to buy another bra. I am now officially a 41 G. OMG!!!!! I am glad that I don’t look like Dolly but holy moly that is big.

You know there are some feelings I have been having lately and I am not really sure why. See there are blogs that I have read for a while and new ones that I have come across. These blogs deal with loss. Loss of their precious little one anywhere between 17 and 23 weeks. I am so saddened by the stories that I see and read. I am almost addicted to see what is going to happen. I also have some blogs that are inspirational. Antigone Lost, is a great one. She is one of the strongest women that I know. Alicia has had some struggles lately but she always has a great outlook on life. Melissa has had some rough times but she is doing better and boy is she cute Prego. Lol. There are those that I read that are still trying to conceive and are going thru difficult times right here at the holidays. I also have just a few that just found out that they are expecting.

I have been torn because those sites that deal with the loss and give every detail (which I love, it is an open window to their souls.) are causing me to have those thoughts of what if? What if that happens to me and the baby and so forth? I love those women and again they are pillars of strength yet my DH has given me explicit instructions not to read. I worry that my belly feels funny. It is not firm on the bottom as it is on the top. I worry that I only feel a few kicks during the day. (I know that is normal but I read so much online that says they are feeling their baby so much more) I still have to look at the paper when I go potty as I am terrified that I am going to see spotting. I know that this is all normal behavior but to the rest of my family… they think that I am going insane. I mean they really do.

I can’t describe this feeling and I can’t tell you why it is there. I think that it is the loss and the uncertainty that comes with any pregnancy. I mean I feel like yes, God has given us the huge miracle yet I worry that what if there is a lesson that he is going to need for me to learn. Oh God I pray not. Do you see where this is going? It is on the verge of insanity. I just pray that I am not the only one out there. Lord knows I should expect this with 12 years of trying but to be honest with you, I never thought it would be this bad. I thought I could enjoy pregnancy and enjoy every update week to week that I get but I feel as though I am on a bomb click down to the explosion.

Thank you all so much for listening and helping me thru it. You really are the best.

Baby news

2008-12-04T12:09:00.000-08:00

Okay so I can't really draw this out. This is something that Jeff and I have looked forward to for many years. Jake is ecstatic. We went to the doctor and started the ultrasound. Wait let me back up, My MIL, son, husband and I went to the doctor and today is the MIL's birthday so it was a great present for her. Dr. B was great and let everyone in the room. He went right to work. My sister told me to make sure that I kept a full bladder so that the baby would be moving. Someone else told me to drink a little caffeine. Well I did it all and guess what... It worked. Tater was all over the place. After showing Jake and MIL everything on the baby, I felt my belly roll. I mean literally and while looking on the screen tater rolled right on out and spread HER legs. Yes that is right, HER. She was the most beautiful baby ever. I swear she was. Everyone was in tears. I was so happy. Even the hubby can't stop smiling. hehe. Okay so I dragged it out enough, I can't wait to get off of work to go buy something purple or pink. hehe. It is great. I am going to be the mommy of a little beautiful girl. Thank you Lord for all you have done for us. Your blessing reign over us. I am in awe of your power.

Great News!!!

2008-12-03T09:13:00.001-08:00

I am so happy right now. I have been reading Jen’s blog from before her pregnancy. I laugh and sometimes cry. She was an inspiration to me and I would love for her to know that. Well anyway…. She is in Labor… wooooo hoooooo! Go send her some love if you have not already….. http://jenniferelaineg.blogspot.com/

So I found out from Alicia’s site. Lol. My google reader would not update fast enough for me. lol. I raced over to see and sure enough there was a note from Matt, her DH.

I just can’t wait.

Well here are a few things that I wanted to show you…..

This is the cradle that is being loaned to us for Tater. It is beautiful in person. The wonderful man who made it has little plaques at the end of the bed so that he knows who has used the bed. It has all of the statitics of the babies from when they are born and it is a blessing to read all of the names whom have slept in this bed.

I also have a wonderful man that I work with and he thought that I needed a rocking chair for the living room. It is a long story but I still love him. Lol. Well one day he shows up at my house with this…..

He says he knows it needs work but it will be beautiful when I get done. Jeff has taken on this project and is just about finished with the sanding. Lol. I know that it will be a wonderfully beautiful chair.

I can’t help but love these 2 pieces. Now all I need it the crib and the chair. Lol.

I'mmmmmm back!!!

2008-12-02T05:00:00.001-08:00

Well hello out there. I know, I know, horrible. That is me. Well just a brief catch up….

Went to Texas for a week to see family, some of which I have not seen in 15 years. It was great and we all looked like big red necks in the back yard. Lol. It really was great.

Oh and the biggest thing…..

IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY!!! Here is a pic of me and the wonderful Nikki today at work. My birthday was yesterday and hers is today.... She is finally legal. wooo hoooo Nikki. I know I look like death but come on, I was horribly sick yesterday and did not feel like make up this morning.

I never thought that I would say, I am 32 and pregnant. Hehe. I love saying that.
As for yesterday and the big birthday, well that was not so great. I woke up and had 102 fever. I immediately called the doctor who called me back directly and told me take Tylenol, which I had already done. He said to call back in 30 minutes to let him know if it was dropping, and yes it was so he said to monitor it. Needless to say that when you are out of work on vacation for a week and then you miss the Monday after that, whewww the work is piling up. That and the presents that were sitting on my desk.

This is me and my wonderful DH. Awwweee isn't that sweet. I know you think so but come on now, that is my honey.

I must not forget to tell you of my great present…… I know they tell me in counseling before marriage, never give your wife a vacuum for Christmas or her birthday, well honey’s I am here to tell you that mine did and it was the greatest thing ever…. I got….

Yes that is the Dyson all floor dream wonder. I am so happy. I know it is lame but it is what I wanted really bad. I thought I could save and get it on sale but man oh man, they never come down on the price much. It is sitting in the "junk room" right now as I have not gotten to that one yet. lol.

I also hit 16 weeks yesterday. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Again, I say, not a great picture of me so refer to the cute picture of me and Jeff. That is a better one.

I have more to share but maybe with all of it sitting on my desktop to share, I will post more. Hehe.

One more thing…. Big appointment on Thursday as they are going to try to see what tater is. Yayyyyyyyyyy. I can’t wait.

Late as usual

2008-11-04T17:56:00.000-08:00

So as usual, I have been horrible at posting lately. Just a lil update, last week, we saw Dr. B on Monday and all was well. I was still too early to hear the heart beat with the Doppler and bless his nurses heart, she was trying her best to tell us before she even started that there was a big chance that we might now hear it. well they didn't find it and I stayed calm. I know DH was happy I didn't freak. lol. Well Dr. B did an abdominal ultrasound this time as he was sure I was far enough along and sure enough, tater was there showing her butt. (no we don't know that it is a girl, we just say she all of the time) and the heart beat was great. I was fine and all was well. Okay so that was until 10 the next morning when I wiped and saw brown again. I waited and did not panic. I told DH that if it continued to be there in the morning then I would call. I mean after all, if I was miscarrying, there would be nothing that they could do. well sure enough there it was at 9 the next morning so I called. I really was calm to say the least. That was until the nurse called me back and said, Dr. B would like to see you ASAP, just as a precaution. I then started to freak out. This was not funny at all.

I went in and Dr. B was the best. He tried to ease our fears and he did a good job. We did the ultrasound and there was tater looking great. He said he was not for sure what was causing the spotting but that we would watch it. I was worried but I went home and calmed down. That is where I am today. There has been no more spotting and I am so happy. I have to thank my Lord every time that I go to the bathroom and I don't forget that I need to continue to do that.

I just love being pregnant and I am sure most do. I am grateful for every feeling. I am grateful to have women like all of you in my corner.

Praise in this storm

2008-10-28T07:17:00.001-07:00

Well today is Tuesday October 28th. My EDD was for 10/31/08 for the baby at the beginning of the year. I feel a loss that I can not describe. I read many blogs and I see the pain that all who have suffered go thru. This is not something easily dealt with. I thought I would be okay. I told myself that there wasn’t really a baby there as we had a blighted ovum and we never saw anything except a sac. We didn’t see our angel. I feel very strongly that my God knew exactly what he was doing. I look back at the last 7 months and I know that God had a plan. You see Jeff and I have struggled with paying bills. I am about to say things that most don’t know so this is a real life battle for me. You see I am not the best with the finances and neither is he. It is not that we blow money that we don’t have, we just don’t plan well. I hope that makes sense. I am really working on this and have prayed diligently for God to make me a better steward with our money.

Oh he has listened alright. There have been weeks that I have paid so much that I have been left rolling change for lil J’s lunch. (I cash it in for bills so that he doesn’t know any better) Over the last 7 months I have been working on it but I still look right now and thing, wow, there is no way that I could handle this with a baby right now. Money is so tight, where in the world would I have money for formula and diapers. Now please don’t get me wrong, we make plenty of money to take care of this baby when it does get here but I need to learn lessons to plan better. If there was a baby now, I would be going out of my mind. I don’t know how I would have bought stuff for the nursery. I don’t know where I would have gotten things that I needed. I am grateful and on bended knee over this. I will praise my Lord in this storm as I know his plan was for the best.

He knew that if I was to see the heartbeat and a developing baby, I would not be able to make it thru the miscarriage. I think he was showing me that our time was coming and he was preparing us for this joyous time. I will say like one of my great blogging buddies said, he was helping me to prepare my field for a bountiful crop. I am in awe of his wonder. I will miss that baby and yet I will praise him for the miracle of life that is within me right now as I type this entry.

We went to the doctor yesterday and Dr. B says that everything is great. The baby is growing great. He did an u\s yesterday and the baby is measuring right on schedule. Tater is 1.8 inches long. HB is 160. All is well. I am afraid as he took me off of the glucophage yesterday and he is taking me off of the Provera this weekend. I am terrified in some ways and in others; I am comforted by the Lords plan.

I am grateful to have blogging buddies like all of you who keep me grounded and keep me straight. Thank you for all you do.

14 years! What! Where has the time gone?

2008-10-21T11:30:00.001-07:00

So I have been a bad blogger. I have been trying to stay extremely busy as the next appointment is coming up and it is a huge one. I will be 11 weeks when I see him. There is a little fear and a little anticipation. I am sure that the Lord has taken great care of this baby. I know that sticky is just fine and I need to remember that all of this is in His hands and there is nothing I can do. He has a greater plan for all of us.

Speaking of plans for us…. Tomorrow is mine and DH’s 14 year anniversary. Oh how it warms my heart to type that. I think it is time that I put our story to words. I may have done this but I want to do it again.

I was 15 and he was 20 the very first time that I met him. My best friend was dating his best friend and I would see him at a distance or hear about him all of the time.

About 6 months later, my bf and her fiancé (ha-ha) moved in with Jeff. I can still remember vividly to this day what he looked like standing there leaned up against his truck talking on the phone. I instantly asked bf “who is that?” She laughed and said “oh that is Jeff, don’t worry about it. He is taken. (Man I was so broken, I knew his history with his girlfriend and I so did not like her.) About 2 months later Jeff moved and so did my bf. As a reward, Jeff invited us to the apartment pool for a night of fun. I was 16 and he was 21. OMG how cute was he. I was in lust and I just wanted him to drop the skank and take me on. That night was a wonderful night. I spent the night swimming and flirting with him. He was just as up front as me that night. While playing “try to get the bottoms” we hear a whistle from the balcony, sure enough, there was the blonde witch. She proceeded to make her statement by prancing down in a thong, string bikini. I was so mad. (I know, right, he was taken.)

I went on and so did he for the next couple of months. I dated and he stayed with his woman. (More to that story but no time for that right now). I got a call one day from my bf saying that she had a guy that she wanted me to go out with. Something told me who it was and knowing what I did, I was not up for the drama. I told her that if she was talking about Jeff, I was not going. I didn’t want to date him when I knew that he and the skank would get back together any day. I could hear him in the back ground saying, “tell her how nice I am. Remind her of the night at the pool. Tell her I really like her” I was not buying it. I told her no and hung up the phone. She called back about 30 minutes later and said fine, then just go to the mall with me. I agreed to that.

I remember this day vividly as well. I was wearing a short pair of red short and a white t-shirt. My bf’s fiancé (ha-ha) had speakers in the back seat of his 62 rambler convertible. This only allowed for 3 people to ride in the front seat. When we pulled up to Jeff’s house, I asked what we were doing. They said, “oh well he is bringing out some CD’s for M to listen to on the way. Oh okay I said. (Dumb butt) out walks Jeff with the CD case only, he turns and locks his door and walks to the car. He is smiling up a storm and I am mad as all get out. I have no make up on, my hair is in a pony tail and I look like crap. (So I thought) He had seen me so much more made up than this. Oh he was not going to like me. He is going to think that I am a dork and ugly as all get out.

Well he didn’t. He smiled all of the way to the car and when he got there, I asked where he was going to sit. He said not to worry about him; it was where I was going to sit. IN HIS LAP. Of course you can imagine the jokes that were there during the ride. My bf and her fiancé (ha-ha) would say oh you can sit there and talk about the first thing that pops up. (Yeah we were so embarrassed). It didn’t take long though. How could I not be comfortable in his lap? His beautiful blue eyes were staring at me and it was the best feeling in the world. Half way to the mall he rubbed my arm and then lightly grabbed my hand. It was amazing. I felt a warm sensation throughout my body. I felt awkward at the mall. I didn’t know what to do. It was as if I had never been on a date before. I was clumsy.

After the mall we went to a local beach with a pier. I loved that place and to go there was a bonus. While there, my bf and her fiancé (ha-ha) took off into the woods. (Yeah I so don’t want to know what was going on) and Jeff and I stayed there at the car. I was sitting on the back of the car and he was standing in front of me. We were just talking and joking around. He literally cut me off with a kiss. The kiss. Oh the shaking of the earth and the feeling of warmth and electricity throughout my body. I couldn’t get enough. He made me glow. I will never forget that kiss. It was something like out of the notebook. Hehe. (awww he just left me here at the office. We work at the same place and sometimes he comes for lunch to my office.) He was laughing at me typing this. After leaving the pier, he asked me to a party at his house that night. I snuck out of the house and met him at the road (remember, I was 16). Every since that night, I have never been away from him longer than 3 nights for business or on a Christian retreat. Thank you Jesus for saving me. I was a child who was lost during those days. Ha-ha.

I am sitting here typing this and I am tearing up. No it is not the hormones. It is just that I love this man. I know that God gave me to him for reasons that I am in awe of. We were made for each other. I fit perfectly within his arms. I still fit great on his lap. His kisses still send shivers down my spine. Yes we got married when I was 17 and yes no one liked it and no, no one thought that we would make it. (My step-dad even said as we were walking down the isle, “I give it a year). We have proved them wrong. Here we are 14 years married and 15 years together. I am in love just as much; no wait more than I have ever been. We have been thru things that most would have divorced over and I am proud to say that we are still fighting for it.

I love you baby. You are my man and I am proud to say that.

Checklist

2008-10-06T11:08:00.001-07:00

So today, I was thinking. …… well for me these days that is a lot. This weekend, I realized that the nursery is a wreck. Lil man B was there and having a great time. I love when people post pictures so here are a few. They were taken with my phone as the digital is about to kick the bucket. I am begging for a new one.

So here he is playing with the new tool workbench we got him. You can see that he is working hard.

Okay so he is having a blast too….. Uncle J is loving every minute of this by the way. Can’t you tell.

He fell in love with the green screw driver so much that when it came time for bed, he threw a fit. Here is a testament to how much he loved it. Hehe. Ain’t that cute. It is still in his lil hand.

Oh and just cause I needed to share this with you….. Here is our son on spirit day with his wild hair…… Yes, he won. Lol.

So back to the checklist and the nursery. I am going into the pit of junk this evening. I will take before pictures. I am hoping to paint this weekend. I can’t wait.

I need to …
Clean the closet out
Fix the window !!! (don’t ask) lol
Paint the shelves
Hang the shelves
Put up the movies
Buy cover for glider
Cover glider to look fabulous
Buy baskets for under the baby bed….
Get a new bed
Find a dresser that can double as a changing table for a bit

I think that is all for right now. Okay one more thing. I know I promised pics from the u\s but I am having trouble saving the PDF for blogger to pick up. I will keep working on it.

U\S update!!!

2008-10-01T11:10:00.001-07:00

Okay so here is the update….. I know you are all waiting on pins and needles.
“Sticky” is officially “tater” now. Everything is great. Dr. B said that tater is growing great and that everything looks perfect. We are measuring 7w3d. That is right now schedule. I am screaming from the roof tops “Thank you Jesus” (you should see the stares I get) lol. Thank you all for your encouraging words and thank you for everything you do for me……. Please continue to pray. I will post the pictures soon.

I do need to say publicly to Alicia, I PROMISE, YOUR “HAPPY” IS GOING IN THE MAIL FRIDAY.

Long time no hear!!!!!!!

2008-09-30T17:17:00.000-07:00

Hello to everyone out there in blog land. I am so sorry that I have not been on here for a while. I have been litterally trying to avoid the pregnancy talks. The ultrasound that is strangeling me is in the morning at 9. This is the one that will determine everything. My husband just pointed out as I type this tonight, we have about 14 hours until our lives are changed. I sit here and watch TV and I struggle with the thoughts of doom. I am fine. I feel fine. Are my breast as tender this morning as yesterday morning? Are my nipples as dark? Is the nausea better or gone today? I deal with these questions every day. I don't have the same sense of gloom as before with the miscarriage 6 months ago. I really don't. I have a good feeling about this baby. I just have those fears. I have to remember that solum verse in II Timothy.... For I did not give you the spirit of fear but one of a sound mind.... I will remember that and carry it with me into what I am sure will be a sleepless night. I will remember what my wonderful blogger buddy has reminded me of so many times.... I am preparing my field for my harvest. My baby!!! (okay so I can't leave DH out, it is his baby too. lol)

Quick Note

2008-09-24T04:13:00.000-07:00

Hey to all. I just wanted to drop a little note and say thank you again. I really don't know what I would do without all of you. Everything so far is good with the Pregnancy. I will keep you informed. They did find that the potential cause of the "spotting" was a bacterial infection. Hmmmm TMI. sorry It made sense to me and sounded great. I am being treated and it is working great. So far no more spotting and no more light cramps.

My cousin that I told you about that is pregnant. I hope I did anyway. Well we were always close growing up, well she found out that her pregnancy, she thougth she was right at 12 weeks is a blighted ovum. I was a little upset that they did keep a closer eyes on her as she is 36 and I thought she needed it but this is her first pregnancy and her numbers were doubling until Friday to Monday. Well the ultrasound was not good so you can imagine that I have been on the phone with her trying to walk her thru this difficult time.

I would be lying if I told you that it didn't put my fears right back in to place but I pray and try to keep moving. I am back at work and Lord by the time my 12 hour day is done, I am pooped. I just want to sleep at home. lol. I will update soon. Oh and T-minus one week till next ultrasound. wooooo hooooo.

Can't believe it

2008-09-19T14:59:00.000-07:00

Sorry it has been a few days. I am on cloud nine. I went shopping this morning, okay, yard sale. lol. I drove past a yard sale and I saw there was a sale in a nice neighborhood. I noticed that they had some baby stuff. I though to myself and prayed, Lord, if it is meant to be then it will be there after I take Jake to school and to pay the power bill which is a 20 minute a one way drive. so after about an hour I got back and went back down the street and sure enough everything was still there but I was unaware of what exactly was there. hehe. Let me show you.......
This is the Fisher Price Pappasan vibrating seat. I have been looking at this for a while. It cost $44.97 at Wal-Mart but I got this lil gem for just $10.00. It is in Perfect shape. The sale was a grandparents sale. lol. This stuff is barely used and you can tell.

This is the walker that our lil Brandon has. We paid $35.00 for it for his mommy for the baby shower. BUT I only paid $10.00 and again, it is in perfect shape.

Now this is my greatest buy.... I got the bed and the mattress and the bedding set (which I do not like) If any of you like it, let me know and I will send it to you. I would hate for it to go to waste. I only paid $35.00 for it all. hehe. Yeah, I am happy over that one. We got the bed into what will become the nursery. Excuse the rock posters as this used to be the drum room and we had it all decked out. lol. Now I can't wait to pick out colors.

Now I know that there are some out there that will say, heyyyyy you should wait because everything is not official yet... you know you should have waited until you saw the heart beat or you should have waited until you hit 13 weeks. Well I would normally agree with you. I mean it will devastate me if something (God forbid) happens and I have to look at this stuff but I am here to tell you that I have faith. I mean I truly have faith that this is the one. this is going to happen. It is kind of like buying the lucky pants for .95. lol. I am taking it day to day and I am trying to get the right perspective. I feel fine. I don't really have nausea and that is some cause for concern but the nips are so tender and so I am keeping the faith that I am pregnant and everything is fine. I am going to have faith that the Lord is going to lay a hand of protection on my womb for this lil miracle. Please continue to pray with me.

Oh and for a post tomorrow, I will tell you about my dreams last night. lmao. I was on Saturday night live is Tina Fey and then I had one that I was a vet and didn't know how to save a dog for the neighbor. lol.

Update

2008-09-17T10:44:00.000-07:00

Good afternoon to you all. It is with tears in my eyes that I show you a picture of "tater". I know that you can't see as I am scanning the picture in and it is not clear and tater is tiny. 5w2d tiny but he or she is there. I cried on the table. The doctor gave me a kiss and I was all in an upheaval from the emotions. I told him when he walked in, that all I wanted to know was, is there a fetal pole and a yolk sac, which is what we saw today. Look in the middle at the bottom, that shadow is tater. lol. I knew it was too early for the heartbeat. We are going back in 2 weeks for the heart beat ultrasound. I feel as though a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and I don't really know how to handle myself now. lol. I am like a giddy school girl. This has been a looooonnnngggg hard journey for my husband and I but I will tell you that everything happens in Gods time and I am so glad that he has chosen this time for us to be pregnant with this baby. I am grateful.

I need sleep

2008-09-15T07:17:00.000-07:00

So here we are on Monday morning and I am still sitting in the recliner with the laptop in my lap. This is so not what I thought would be going on right now. In 48 hours from right now, I will be having the ultrasound that will tell us if everything is alright and I would be lying to you if I said that I was not worried. I think we all go thru this. I am ready for this to happen.

I found out last night that my cousin is pregnant. She is 9 weeks and I am so excited. We have a very close family so this is big news to us all. Being pregnant with her will be great.

As for the dreams, well Saturday night, I had a dream that I was a counselor at a youth camp and I was having a blast. I even let the 12 year old girls put glitter gloss and eye shadow on me. I must have looked like a clown but they loved it. While walking to the closing ceremonies, there was my hunny, and I didn't even see him. He grabbed my arm and turned me. When I saw him, I was so happy. he told me that he had just gotten off of work and that he just wanted to stop and see me. He just needed to see my face and that he loved me. hehe. awwwww that was the best dream.

As for a dream last night, well I wish I could say that I had one but you see, I was already a little late going to bed and had trouble falling asleep, then right as I dozed off at 2, a horrible storm rolled in and knocked the power out. I was up for the next 2 hours worrying about what was going on outside. Then the alarm went off at 430 so as you can see, no sleep for me. I am about to lay down for an early nap. shhhhh don't tell. lol.

So today marks no spotting for a full week and the cramps are really not bad. I do have some sudden sharp stabbing in the lower right or left side. It is very quick and very short. It is not something that will double me over in pain, just enough to catch my attention. If any of you have had anything like this, I would love to hear from you.

Take care and sweet dreams.

Dreams

2008-09-13T06:33:00.001-07:00

Oh man, thank you all so much. I am trying to stay very optimistic for this pregnancy. I will have the ultrasound to make sure that all is well in Tminus 4 1\2 days. lol. Wednesday morning at 9:15. I just don't think I couldn't wait much longer than that. I just want to see something in the sac this time. I know that I will be early and may not see the heartbeat and I can handle that but I just want to see the fetal pole and know that something is growing in there. Man.... that would be a dream come true.

Oh and a funny thing happened yesterday. I met my best friend for lunch at the local Chinese restaurant and when it came time for the fortune cookie, I just sat there and cried. It said... "a small lucky package will be delivered to you soon". lol. I know right!. I have been praying for my heavenly father to give me a sign that all will be good. I sure couldn't ask for more than that right. lol.

Now, I have always been a vivid dreamer. I mean I dream every night and I usually remember them all. Well I think I will start sharing with you just so you can laugh or say oh my! haha.

well night before last, I dreamed that I was taken over with about 12 other women, all of which were named your names, by a cult of men that were killing them. I made you look like what I thought you looked like. Melissa, Lisa, Amanda, Jennifer are the first ones that are coming to mind but I assure you that you were all there with me. lmao. I had to keep coming on to them and telling them that I would take care of them. I had to cook all of the time and I took the other women and made sure that they would do things too. I didn't want any of the core women to die. I loaded them up into the back of my dodge pick up truck and made them lie down in the back and I had to maneuver my way thru town with them being quiet. I thought I was going to have to beat some of them for talking in the back. There was one woman that I called Alicia, (don't worry A. I think it was cause I love ya so much. lol) but she would not be quiet. One of the men heard her and so I stopped and said that we were just going to the house and I didn't want to get pulled over by the cops. Well when he went to get into the truck, Lisa slammed the door on his fingers and we drug him and got away. We all started a commune in Canada and we were happy. lol. Don't ask me. the TV was not on or anything. lol.

Well last night, I dreamed that I was staying at a spa and I could not stay far enough away from my MIL. I got into a fight with a woman across the street and I was body slamming her and telling her that I was pregnant and she was making me even more mad for having to fight her pregnant. Then I went into the hotel and there was the MIL but for some reason I wouldn't go swimming with her. (now you must know that my MIL does not know how to swim) That was odd to me. Then I went down the road to find my friend and she was having her trailer (she does not live in a trailer) foreclosed and they were hauling it off and I was trying to make them stop. I was upset by this time so I went down the road to the fair and found my hubby on a ride with his ex and 3 kids just smiling and laughing, well that was until he saw me. lol. I was all about whipping her behind. The kids were yelling at me not to and telling me that they don't like him anyway. I could take him, really. OMG! As I type this I realize what a tard I am for these dreams.

I guess this is the pregnancy dream syndrome. I am scared to look it up as to the meaning. lol.
I am telling you, I am still laughing this morning over them.

Take care to all of you and I will talk to you on Monday.

Thank you and tears

2008-09-10T16:04:00.000-07:00

So I was tearing up reading all of the comments. I love everyone of you and you know I am an avid reader. You all are what has kept me going. I look to each and every one of you for strength. I owe alot to all of you. So here is the story....

I woke up on Wednesday, the morning after my sister and BIL got here late the night before. I looked at the wonderful temp chart and noticed that it was 10 dpo. I really had not been counting like a fool this month. lol. I decided to go ahead but something caught my attention and I didn't do it first thing that morning. Well the next time I had to go potty, I thought about it and decided to go ahead and do it. For some reason, I thought I would use the "cheap test" just in case. lol. Well guess what.... I didn't see the line at first and then about 5 minutes later I walked back in there and saw the faintest line ever. lol. I thought, well it was a cheap test and I am just imagining the evaporation line to be the real deal. Well that didn't go over too well with me for very long. I then got out when everyone was doing something and bought the "First Response" test. I thought, hey that is the one Alicia used for the battle of the uterus hehe and most everyone I know uses those for early detection. I bought the 2 pack just in case. You know what I mean, you can't just pee on one right lol.

so when I showed the hubby, he was half awake... it was funny to watch his eyes pop open and say OMG, really. I drove to the doctor to show him the test in person. My favorite nurse said that she wanted him to see first. I hugged his neck and told him thank you for the help. I told him that with his help and Gods hand, we had a miracle. lol. He told me to take it easy and not to get stressed. Yeah, that was not going to happen with 5 extra people in my house.

So now I was due to have AF Friday and low and behold there was some mild brownish discharge. I was freaking but by now, my sister was saying that it was normal..... yadda, yadda. It was not alot and it was only when I wiped. I waited to see what would happen. I was trying to make myself stay calm but I wasn't buying it. I called my doctor on Monday morning. He told me to take it easy and to leave work right then and go home for bed rest. He then requested the Hcg test. I was a little worried but not scared. Now that brings us to today..... I got my results from both tests...

Monday.... 173
Wednesday 340

I was about 30 minutes early but you tell me... what do you think about them. I could get any answer on the net that I wanted, you know some will say that the numbers are normal and others will say that they are low and then there are some that say that I didn't double enough. You tell me.

Again, I thank you all and I assure you that I am now all set up to work from home. I am sitting in my recliner with the laptop and the keyfob right next to me. lol. You will hear from me again....

Things that make you go Hmmmmmmm

2008-09-09T04:19:00.000-07:00

So I can't get the computer to upload the camera pictures of the beach during Gustov. Whew, we should not have been down there. lol. But here are a few for your viewing pleasure...

Here are my babies... Hannah is the Golden Retriever and Killer is the lil black and white mut. I love those 2.

Here we all are after the storm, down at the beach park playing. If you look at the pack of the picture... that is our Katrina monument and the highest of the waves shows how high the water was right there on the beach. The lowest shows how much water 85% of Pascagoula got in their houses. 4ft.

Here we are at the beach playing. This is my sister. You can tell that we did not go down there with the intentions of swimming. lol. Doesn't her 12 week prego but look cute!! lol.

Well of course with 3 kids, you have to build a sand castle. I was just as sandy as them. lol.

Here are my babies. Lauren, K-K, Will

Awwwww, what a family picture. Don't they look happy on the beach. They were so happy just to have A\C when we got home. lol.

Here is my one Gustov picture. Can you see the ducks. lol. It really was worse than it looks. lol.

Okay here is the last picture that I thought you would like to see......... Here it is........

I know it is blurry but yes, it is a BFP!!!! Now I will say that we got this on Thursday but there was some mild spotting. I spoke to the doctor and he has put me on bed rest for this week. Bare with me, I think that it is just contributed to the stressful weekend. I will not do that again. lol. Yeahhhhhhhhh, I finally got it. lol.

Thank you

2008-09-06T14:21:00.000-07:00

I wanted to take just a moment to tell each and every one of you thank you for your kind words and prayers. There is alot going on here since the storm. We have power but my sister who lives in Baton Rouge LA does not and she, her husband and their 3 children are here at the house. I love them all. We are amazing ourselves with how we are feeding 8 people on a very limited budget. lol. We are doing great. Any suggestions will be greatly appriciated. As for the storm, there was minimal damage here and I can't wait to get the pictures uploaded for all of you to see. I have great shots and video of the storm and the winds which were upwards of 70-80 mph. It was great to sit on the back porch and watch it going on. I was in heaven. There are other things going on as well but I am going to wait until Monday to share. There are lots of stories and pictures. I am so happy that all of you are doing well. It makes me happy. I loved checking in on the in-laws computer and seeing the posts. Yall really are the best. I will talk to you soon.......

Gustov

2008-09-04T04:15:00.000-07:00

Good morning to you all. I am sorry to be gone for a while but we were getting ready and then riding out the storm. I will have some awsome pictures and stories to come. Thanks for the emails of worry. Yall are the best.

Here's your sign!!!

2008-08-26T09:48:00.000-07:00

My family is huge fans of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. lol. Well I went to the doctor with my sister and while on the way, we stopped at our local thrift store. It got me to thinking... lol... Nothing funny really but when I walked thru the door, there is a big rack that says $.95. Of course, I couldn't resist. Well I found these.......

What is it you ask?????

Well it is a Brand New pair of maternity dress pants in my size... yep in my size. Now the thing is that I would NEVER buy this. I mean, I am NOT pregnant right now... Well maybe now as I am officially 1DPO. I am praying that we caught the egg. Doc thinks we have a great chance. I am hopeful yet calm. Not getting my hopes up only to be let down you know.
Anyways..... I would NEVER count my chickens before they hatch but come on...

Maternaty pants in my size for $.95. How could I pass them up. lol.
No lucky socks.... I am holding out for the lucky pants. hehe.

Back on track in the rain

2008-08-25T05:42:00.000-07:00

So this morning while sitting at work and gazing out my wonderful window, it is so dreary and gloomy outside due to Tropical Depression Fay and yet I am all aglow inside. I should have known that all of my blogging buddies would have the answers I needed..... you see when I blogged about Oing early, the general opinion was one of two things, either FF was wrong or that it was too early. Well then I blogged about insurance issues and you came thru again.

As for the Oing, I had to go the the doctors office to get a refill on my Metformin on Satruday and he called me to the back. I was a little worried at first but he just wanted to talk to me about everything going on and knowing that this was the last time on the Clomid, he was wondering how it was going. Not to mention the OHSS last month with the hormone freak out. well I was telling him that it looked like I O'd early and he said, oh if that is true then it is not good. The egg will be too immature for you. I immediatly went back to Jewl's post. lol. I did show him a copy of my chart (yes I carry one on the weekend as I don't work and I don't really get online during the weekend so I have to chart manually until Monday) well he said that it looked as if I was right on track for a cd18 ovulation. He is the professional so I listened. I told him that the mucous was getting better for fertile time and so he did a slide culture to find out that YES!!!!! it was ferning.... that is maximum BD time. So thank you to all for your support. Temps show the "big" dip this morning so I am hoping we caught the eggie. lol

As for the insurance, thank you to one of the commenters from ICLW who said that I should just find out who does their billing and they can help. I was so happy to do that. They were great. I was explained everything that I needed to know and by God, I don't have bad insurance. Normal co-pay goes against deductible when I see the RE, and I only pay $40 for that. I already have my co-pay met for this year as I had the miscarriage in March. Soooooooo that means that when I go see him, that my deductible is met and I don't have to pay anything right now. It is so great. Phewwwwww for that one. If this is not the cycle then watch out IVF, here I come. lol.

I am so happy to have all of you in my life as it just can't get any better. May God bless each and every one of you and keep you close to his heart.

Another day in paradise

2008-08-21T07:28:00.000-07:00

Oh man, it is so wonderful out in my back yard oasis. I come home from work and I crawl into my pool and climb up on the raft and float while reading my newly chose cheesy romance novel. I have been doing that for a about 2 weeks now. Before, I would just get in the pool on the weekends and play around for a few hours. The kisd were always there and things can get hairy with all of the kids in the pool at once. Well I have found that I can pull rank on a week night and not allow children in the pool when I am out there. hehe. I love it.

As for the temp chart.... I am sure that the majority was correct. As you can see I have been showing a decline in temp and I am having symptoms of O. I am sure that this will be the time. I am still exstatic as this is cd14 and that is still right on track and early for me. woooooo hooooooo. I am not telling the hubby though as he thinks the O is over and there is no stress on him, sex is fun and spontaneous. I love it that way. lol.

I also spoke to the Fertility clinic today as I missed their call yesterday. She was explaining to me about my insurance. They are telling me that I have a $500 deductible and a $1000 out of pocket with a lifetime payment of $12,400. My prescriptions come from another company thru the mail and I am happy that they are covered as well although I don't know what the regimin will be so I can't get a feel for it. I am just wondering, if there is anyone who has been thru IUI or IVF and had their insurance cover it.... could you explain to me how that works. I mean do I jsut outright pay for the deductible and out of pocket and then it kicks in.... I am just confused. The nurse really didn't know anything and lord help us if you call BCBS with questions. lol. Any help is greatly appriciated. Thank you all again for your help in the last post.

OMG!!!

2008-08-18T07:03:00.000-07:00

Okay so I am trying to keep calm as I know there are sometimes cliches in the system but let me show you somthing. First I will give you a little back story..... I never and I repeat NEVER ovulate before day 18. I mean it is always on day 19 even with the Clomid. Seriously. Wellllllllll when I came in this morning, I imput my information to fertility friend and this is what popped up.

So you can imagine that I am freaking out. Well not really. WARNING!!! TMI!!!

See the hubby and I were having fun this week. You know what I mean. See I swore not to tell him when "that time" was so that the pressure would not be there for him because we all know that pressure..... is not the best thing for a man in that situation. You can't just tell him that it is time right now to have nookie.
Well I can say that this last week, we have had more sex than I care to tell you about. I mean really. I think it is because I told him that I was no where near that time. whewwwww, I really thought I could hide the big O from him but I am not so sure....... I think I am in the tww now. Holy crap someone pinch me. Please tell me that I am not halucinating here...... do you think this is possible to O on cd8. Just wondering.....

SOCKS anyone?

2008-08-13T10:28:00.001-07:00

So if you read this blog, you know that I am addicted to
Alicia's blog. I mean that girl is seriously funny. So, as she has had the "lucky" socks, socks that aided in the IUI miracle that is now her and Keith's dream. I am so happy for them...... I thought I would look for my own BDing lucky socks... here is what I found, you choose and I buy.

so Here we have the flames.... you know, we can turn up the "heat" in these. lol

Or we have the glow in the dark. You never know, we might get lost from one another in the dark and I want to make sure he can get back to me so that we can get back to "business".

Or we can get the "expectant mother" socks but I am afraid that may be too presumptive on my behalf. But I thought they were cute.

These ..... whew...... these leave me speechless and I think they are the perfect specimen of fine work. I am loving these sexy.... dare I say, they are really, SOCKs just for BDing

I can't wait to see which ones you choose. If anyone else needs a pair, let me know and I will lead you in the right direction of where to get them. lol.

Time Flys...

2008-08-12T12:08:00.000-07:00

So today is cd5 already. I have taken the Clomid for 2 nights already and will again for the next 3. I find that taking the Clomid at night helps to curve the, ummm, grumpies, well full on witch really. I hate the bloating that comes with it too. I don't think that I have mentioned but I have lost a total of 32 pounds now and so I am scared of putting any back on. I am down 3 dress sizes, pant sizes really and I am happy. I am however an emotional eater and we all know about emotions during a cycle with IF and PCOS right?

I think about all that has happened in the last week, I don't know where the time goes. It seems like just yesterday I was blogging about the clomid and the higher doses and so on. I was thinking to myself that the dose might be too much and then it turned out that it was and I learned very quickly that even mild OHSS SUX!!!!!.

I know that I have not made it clear but I have seen an RE before, I mean we have been trying for 12 years. lol. He is Great, it is just my fear of the IVF word. I will call him special K. I think the first visit, he told my husband more about hormones than he ever wanted to know in his lifetime.

I had a hysto.... you know what I mean. I always mess that term up. That was horrible, I thought it best to use a local practice and save me the 45 minute drive. I was wrong. These bung holes had no clue what they were doing, I don't think but it should have given itself away when I heard the nurse ask, "where are you going to put that?" in a grossed out tone. But hence, that was not all, there I was laying on an x-ray table with dye running thruought my body and then listening to the doctor ask me why in the world would I go thru this much trouble for one baby. (another story, another time). Yeah, not fun. So, I was off to start on this again. Before seeing this RE, I had done the Clomid for 1 year and then another with the metphormin thru my wonderful OB. Now keep in mind that the OBGYN would only let me take it for 3 months and then off for 3.

I hope you are not bored, please bear with me. We went to the RE and had all of the SA, BW, and U\S and everything was good. Only my PCOS. I was due to go in for my 3 day scan when my DH's father passed suddenly of a heart attack. I have not been back. There was something about life taking over. This happened in January 07. I was even trying all of this while recovering from a complete loss in Hurricane Katrina. I was determined to have a baby but I think the Lord had other plans. Daddy's passing did me in. I had to be everything to everyone. I was the caretaker, the consoler, the cleaner, the upbeat one, the prayer, the "sleep with me" one, All the while dealing with too much from loosing your house and having no flood insurance along with buying from an individual that lost everything as well and filed bankruptcy (another story, another time)and loosing what you had (an outer shell) back to the mortgage company that refused to sell it to you as they considered you part of the process. (lonnnnngggg story). I also had to over see the rebuilding of MILs home which I didn't mind. She got a shotty contractor that decided to do the roof on a rainey day when no one was home but when the rain moved in, he moved out. He left the ceiling uncovered and let her ceilings fall in only to ruin everything in 3 rooms. It was nice to have another person to talk to during our hard times. She used me as a shoulder and I used her house as therepy while dealing with a husband that was drowning in drinking from it all. Whew! Well now it is time for me to stop and thank God, that those times are over. That was the worst in my life by far, and I am grateful that he brought me thru it. I don't even know what got me on this topic but it must be something that I need to let out. I was only going to post about how fast this cycle is already going and now look, I am an open book right now. I don't really like that but I am going to post any way.

So now we move on. I am praying that this cycle goes fast. I have made the appointment with the RE and if all goes well then we will be having that appointment on September 12th. I am not for sure where in my cycle I will be but the nurse says that all I have to do is call her and she will schedule the 3 day u\s. I want to go back to special K as I know he can help. I am going to be as aggressive as I need to be as I do have insurance coverage and I think it is pretty good coverage. This is the laid back cycle. Yes I am temping and yes I am taking the clomid and no I am not going to use the OPKs. lol. I am however going to relax. I am praying for my savior to save me from worry and stress. I want a sound mind for this next month. I need a sound mind for my family.

Lord reveal yourself to me so that I may better know your plan. Let me in just a little so that I can understand. I will turn this fully over to you and I will not try to latch back on for I know you are all powerful and more than capable of handeling anything I turn over to you. Thank you Father. I pray for your hand upon my body this month for..."Do not be wise in your own eyes: fear the lord and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones." Proverbs 3:7-8

Thanks for listening....... You were my shoulder today.

DAMN!!!!

2008-08-08T05:32:00.000-07:00

Okay so this morning, the tampons won. (see Alicia's post to understand)

AF arrived with minor spotting this morning. I am bloated as all get out. I am upset for this cycle as I was sure this was it. I know that the Lord has plans for us and I am going to be strong. I will be thankful even in my dark moments for I am thankful for AF as it means that it is on time and that it was not induced. I will be thankful for AF as I know this cycle I ovulated. I will be thankful that this was not the month meant for us as I know there is a better time in his plan.

I am sad, yes but I know he understands when his children get sad.

I will call the doctors office and hope and pray that they will write just 1 more script of the Clomid 100 mg as it did work. I know I said that I was going to the RE after this past cycle but I just hold out hope for one more shot. I am making a vow that if this cycle does not work, then I will keep the September appointment.

Thank you all for your encouraging words. I know there are still some of you out there waiting to test and I am in deep prayer for you. Especially my dear wonder of a blog buddy Alicia. This really is her month, I can feel it. I am thankful I have you all.

OMG that was funny

2008-08-07T07:35:00.000-07:00

OMG!!!! You have got to go read the funniest thing ever. I mean it.

http://aliciamillis.typepad.com/alicia/2008/08/battle-of-the-uterus.html?cid=125580984#comments

I was tagged by... http://adecadeofbfns.blogspot.com

Rules: Answer each question with one word and tag four others to play.

1. Where is your cell phone? Desk
2. Your significant other? sexy
3. Your hair? medium
4. Your mother? goofy
5. Your father? new
6. Your favorite thing? Internet
7. Your dream last night? memorable
8. Your favorite drink? Coke
9. Your dream/goal? Baby
10. The room you’re in? cubicle
11. Your hobby? Scrapbooks
12. Your fear? Death
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Mom
14. What you’re not? shy
15. Muffins? bannana
16. One of your wish list items? Car (any)
17. Where you grew up? Texas
18. The last thing you did? Comment
19. What are you wearing? Jeans
20. Favorite Gadget? Remote
21. Your pet? Dogs
22. Your computer? Broke
23. Your mood? Good
24. Missing someone? Brother
25. Your car? None
26. Something you are not wearing? Bracelet
27. Favorite Store? Variety
28. Like someone? Hubby
29. Your favorite colour? Purple
30. When is the last time you laughed? Now
31. Last time you cried? nights

Still no news on the IF front but for real.... Go read that above. I am not for sure who I will tag so I will say, if you read and want to then please have at the top. It is harder than you think. lol.

Quick Note

2008-08-06T09:32:00.001-07:00

Thank you all so much for the encouragement. Thank you for the kind words. I am on CD27 10dpo. See the chart.... I don't know if you would consider that triphasic or not? What do you think? I have symptoms but I just don't know. BBs are still tender. Nips are darker. Nausea right after meals. Extreme tiredness. Hormonal blow ups. Well we sometimes get this way and I agree with Alicia, it could be the Clomid.

I will say that I tested yesterday and this morning. BFNs but I know that it was way too early for this test. I know there are signs but even the doc said wait till the first day of your missed friend. I couldn't wait. lol. I am due to have AF on Friday so if she does not come then I will test Saturday.

Keep your fingers crossed and mostly those of you who do, please say a prayer. I am praying for all of us that are right here together within a few days. Lord, please be with us thru this time of fear. For we know that you do not give us the spirit of fear but that of a sound mind. I ask that you cast that upon us right now Lord. May your will be done.

Thank yous and updates!!!

2008-07-30T09:11:00.000-07:00

Oh man, this was amazing, 7 comments. I know a lot of you get a whole lot more but I was so excited and all of your advice and information was great. I was taking 100 mg of clomid and that is the first time to up it after 4 months on 50 mg and a miscarriage during all of this. It really did not sit well with me. Here is my BBT for the month.

I should also say that I took the advice and called the doctor yesterday. I went this morning and with all of his pushing an prodding on me with no US he says that he is sure that it is just my hormones. He said that the ovaries are only slightly swollen. He seems to think that this month, I am going to ovulate late. I do not see an RE just yet but my doc was the man for fertility back when. He really has been great but is not up to date on all of the modern technology. Oh yes he knows about it but he is not familiar with using it. I showed him all of my new fang led charts and the pictures of the OPKs. Okay well let me just tell you that first, he was very impressed with all of my knowledge on PCOS and my proactive approach. He was also happy that I had documented so well. He did however tell me that I should not use the OPKs. He says that it is setting me up for failure. It will be nothing but a disappointment. He says that hormones for someone with PCOS are so out there that you may have a month that will read all +++ and then some that will not read at all. Sooooooooo I should have listened to my blogger buddies and just not looked. Lol. I also had some blood work done and was called back very shortly and told that I am all out of whack. I am going in this afternoon for an appointment to go over this. Wish me luck. Lol. I am so miserable right now but I am going to get thru it. Thank you all for your caring and your support. This really has been great.

Okay so after I typed this, I put my temp into the fertility friend. Now keep in mind that I have 2 charts as the doctor prefers one and the other, (FF) I like to tell me when it thinks I ovulated. Well low and behold look at that. by Jollies, I think I Od. I am going to tell the doc about this.

Updates and help needed

2008-07-29T07:37:00.001-07:00

Day 15

Today was the day that my sister got out of the hospital. They are taking her off of the oxygen at home and she has to go to respitory therapy and exercises at home for 2 months. This should build up her lungs and help with the bronchial actisis (sp). So the temp didn’t drop like I was hoping it would. I really wanted to O early this month so we had a better chance. I guess I will keep my head up. We have a coming home Party tonight for family. He is in the Air Force and they live in Jersey. I will be so happy to see them and plus we get to watch Brandon for the weekend. What a charmer that one is. Lol.

Day 16
So the party was great last night. I had a blast. Everyone was drinking except for me. I am scared to. Lol. Brandon is being great as usual but it makes me want a baby even more. I dream about having children. I really do. I can even feel the child in my arms. I wake up crying over it. Last night was the dream where I have the baby and I go to sleep in the hospital and when I wake up, it is gone and they tell me that I really didn’t have a baby. Ahhhhhhh I give up. Still no drop in temp.

Day 17

So today has been a day in the pool. I love my pool. It needed a little work but other than that, we are fine. I laid in it for I know 3 hours after we dropped Jake off at camp. I miss that lil snot of a teenager when he is gone. I mean really I do. The house is so quiet and there is no one there to spar with. On the infertility front, I am just depressed. There are issues with performance and other issues. I am about to pull my hair out. Can’t this just happen…. Wait…. All in Gods time. He has a plan for us. I need to remember that and stay calm.

Day 18

So something that I haven’t really mentioned is a couple of side effects that I am having. The bbs are so sore. Well really just the nips but I am telling you people, it feels like someone took them off of me, laid them under a bus and ran over them over and over and over again. I am so nauseated. I mean, I eat and then throw it up. The doc says he thinks it is the medicine (Clomid) I said well then buddy, I stopped that med about 2 weeks ago. Lol. I don’t know what is going on. I am bloated up a storm and can’t get it to go down. My belly looks like the pilsbury dough boy. I am worried that the temp has not dropped. It drops usually always on day 19. hmmmmmm. I am not for sure what is going on.

Day 19

So today is cd19 and my temp did not drop. I am not happy about this. It has to be dropping in the morning. I am really not happy. I have every sign but yet nothing is happening. I am frustrated. Here are my OPKs though. I know the picture is blurry but my camera on my phone I just found out last night is broke. I am sad that I have to get that fixed. They go from Left to right starting with cd 14 and they are 2 times a day in the morning and the night. If anyone has an opinion on this please let me know. You can definitely tell that there was a light line on the first 2 days and then the next were as dark as the control line. Then the last day and a half, it is really light again. Anyone who uses these, can you please give me your opinion, I need it desperately.

Updates and new features

2008-07-24T06:27:00.000-07:00

Day 14

Okay so I will update you on my sister. Let me give you a brief history on her. When she was 15 months old, she chewed, swallowed and then aspirated a crayon. This in itself caused severe damage to her lungs. She was in the hospital for 18 months and was clinically called as dead 3 times. She kept a tracheotomy for the full 18 months. Now fast forward many years and in 2004 she was having trouble breathing so she saw a pulminologist, he informed her that she has COPD and emphysema. We were devastated. She is the middle sister and so my younger sister and I were on a vigil to get her well. Boy is she stubborn with treatment. So even further ahead to Monday, she called and said that she was coughing up blood. I freaked. Left for the hospital and walked in on a doctor telling my mother and sister that with her age and the trouble she was having that it more than likely was cancer…. Yes he said the word cancer to them. I was pissed. I flipped out. And with not going into the unchristian words I said to the doctor, got her assigned another doctor. Well finally last night we got the word that the bronchoscope that they had done brought great news. The new doctor said that after reviewing all of her charts, she not only does NOT, I repeat, NOT have COPD or emphysema, it is only scar tissue. Well that in and of itself is bad enough. It is what caused a “blister infection” within the lining of her lungs. It is highly infectious and has to be treated with high doses of medication. All of this really is great news. She will be fine. The doctor that diagnosed her before actually was causing more trouble as he put her on oxygen at home and this makes her not have to work as hard for a breath. She needs to come off of the oxygen during the day and she needs to be doing breathing exercises. She only needs the oxygen when she goes to bed. She is being treated and should be released on Friday with a strict regimen of breathing treatments and lung exercises to strengthen her lungs. Here are pics.

She and I at Thanksgiving.

She and I last night.

Traci the first night in the hospital

Below are her 2 beautiful girls with their je-je who loves them to death.

Here is my dear son keeping his aunt Traci company. Ain't he the cutest.

So today is another day. Saw my sissy in the hospital last night and we played cards and I was having a fetish with the new blow up bed that she was sleeping in. It not only was soft but it vibrated. It was something to be desired. I was all about sitting on the end of the bed with the motor. Don’t ask. I know it is kinky but …. Well anyway…..

So I took another OPK last night and there was 1\2 a line but what was there was darker. See below. The first picture is the first days the second is the last 2 days. Remember, I am taking them one in the morning and one at night. You can see the change and you can tell that the one from this morning is darker and stronger. I may not have Od on day 14 but I think I am getting there. Whew this is tiring yet almost like a game. Lol. I am actually enjoying this cycle.
They go from top to bottom and hopefully you can see the second lines. Granted some times there were not 2 lines. lol. You can see that the very top one is much darker. woooo hooo, I take that as a good sign. I will make sure that I mark them and so on better for next time. lol.

I was also noticing with all of the blogs that I read how just within my realm, things are happening in 3's. Anyone that reads this blog knows that I say that things good and bad always happen in 3's. To me that is anyways. lol. Well here is a list to show you what I mean and the links to the ladies sites...

Starting tww window

Me…….
aliciamillis.typepad.com/alicia/
href="babytorud.blogspot.com/">

waiting for results

href="http://theyellowroom-kelly.blogspot.com/">
href="http://emptyarmsandbrokenhearts.blogspot.com/">
href="http://gettingeasier.blogspot.com/">

Just starting a cycle

href="http://justamereivf.blogspot.com/">
href="http://dressler-family.blogspot.com/">

Drama and stress

2008-07-23T05:12:00.001-07:00

Day 12

Last night I used the OPK. Well there was only 1 line. I have pictures but they are too hard to see. I will work on that. I then took another this morning as I have been reading that PCOS can cause shorter LH surges and you may not catch it just once a day. Boy let me tell you, I need to order the cheapies on the net. This could break me if this is not the cycle for the BFP. Anyways this morning there was a mild line (still negative) but at least I was showing something right? So I read further and the instructions said that the LH is always present….. well for me it isn’t. lol. Soooooo we progress on to tonight. I have been reading a lot about how stress affect ovulation and so I have been staying really calm. So calm to the point that when DH comes at me and I can tell there is a problem….. I put my hand up and start spouting that mantra of stress means no egg so leave me alone and handle it. I really don’t think he likes this but oh well, he will get over it.

Well last night there was quite a bit of stress that I could not avoid, you see my 27 year-old sister who has been blessed with beautiful girls (2) was admitted to the hospital. Without going into a long post (which I need to do because she deserves it) (I love you sissy)she has some severe residual lung conditions from when she aspirated a crayon when she was 15 months old. Well she was vomiting blood and so they admitted her. Well this of course sets me into a tail spin. (we are still awaiting the test results in the morning). When I got home this evening I sat on the toilet and cried. I was so distraught. Again, I will wait to post. I POAS and there was not a second pink line. So here I am thinking about it and thinking that stress really does affect this. I will have to wait for in the morning. No temp drip yet 97.2

Day 13

OMG what a night. I have caught a bug. I have been up and down all night. I really want to be at the hospital this morning but do to being too sick, I can’t go. I am at work with a bucket next to me just in case. Nothing is helping. Anyway, I took a deep breath (and Tylenol PM) and when I awoke for the 5th time this morning, I OPK’d and there was my line again, I am praying that this will come on and happen. I need, need, need to ovulate closer than cd21 and today is cd 13. hmmmmm fingers crossed that tonight I will get a positive on the OPK.
Sister post tomorrow after I know she is okay, I promise. Thank you for the prayers.
Here is my chart so far.....

Like Sand thru the hour glass......

2008-07-21T12:33:00.001-07:00

No clever title came to mind.... This is just an update...

Day 7

I am so glad that last night was the last dose of clomid. I have felt so bloated this week. If I eat just a little, then I feel like I ate the whole hog. I have such high hopes for this cycle and I am so scared that I am going to be let down… wait…. This is not the thinking that I want to have. I want to be positive. I don’t want to think of the negative. There is no reason to do that. I am having some left sided cramps. I am hoping that is what I think it is. The beginning. Hehe. I could so go for a day 10 ovulation at this point. I think that would be great. I won’t push it. Today is still early and this is only 1 week into the cycle. You know I just realize that for some reason, it always happens, I always cycle on Thursdays. My date for the last pregnancy went up every time on Thursdays. Hmmmm kinda odd I guess. So we are off. Clomid in, now time for step 2 bring on the Gauifenesin for EWCM wooo hooooooo.

DAY 8

Well today has been uneventful. I worked for the better part of the morning. The Clomid has done a world wind on my belly and I am bloated and crampy. The cramps are not O pains but better described as my insides are going to fall out. Dear hubby took me to dinner where he treated me to one of the best steaks ever at a local seafood place. My lord that was one huge steak. I don’t think many people can finish it. Lol. It was nice and romantic and made it a lot better and more relaxed for the evening that followed. 

DAY 9

I have never been the drinker in the family. Really I was the one that everyone in the family called to come and clean up the messes. Well not tonight. I am going to sit and have my pomegranate martinis and I am going to enjoy myself. I don’t know how there is anything to top last night but we will have to see how tonight goes. Just a simple night of ordering in pizza and a few drinks with the radio turned up to some good tunes. Woooo hooo momma finally let loose. Danny likes. Lol.

Day 10

Today we picked up the best 13 year old son anyone could ask for. Boy have we missed him. I mean here it is 4 weeks that he has been gone this summer and I feel like it was a year. He will be home for 1 week and then off to camp for a week and then it is back to school. ALREADY, I know. It is sad. I loved my summers when I was young and got 3 total months off. Oh well guess those hurricane days are figured in just right. Nothing happened today. I am feeling well and getting ready for the upcoming days. I will start the OPKs tomorrow. This will be the first time so lets home for the best.

Day 11

Today at work was hard. I had one lady, I almost had to fire and another get in trouble and then I had one quit. Hmmmmm I am going to pull my hair out. I am a little worn out from the lack of sleep but so far, I will make it. I have Bible study tonight and the casserole still have to be made. I am sure we will be fine. I have to do the OPK today after work. Results to follow.

My Journal, sweet journal

2008-07-16T08:32:00.002-07:00

CD 1

So today is the first day of AF. Well not really, I had just a 1 episode spotting thing… about 2 days ago. I really am excited about this cycle. This is the first day of my cycle without having to induce. I went this morning to the drug store to pick up my prescription. Well $20 later in that evening, I realized that I had started on my own. Wooohoooooo. This is great. This is what DH and I have been waiting for. Today marks the beginning of our promise that this would be the last time on Clomid and Metformin. If this is not (which we have faith that it is) then we will go back to the RE (we stopped due to a death in the family and money). Everything is going to be good. I should have a regimen of the following…

Baby Aspirin Daily
Metformin Daily
Prenatal vitamins Daily
Clomid cd 3-7
Guaifenesin 500 mg cd 10-14
Progesterone Supp. PO daily
Lovin with husband Daily (lol) (I can wish right)

So in my best NASCAR voice….. Let’s go racin boys…. Boogity, boogity, boogity.

Day 2

So to day has been hard, I couldn’t understand what to do….. remember I had the spotting, well I thought that might be the onset of AF and so that would make today cd3 and so I think I am going to start the Clomid today just to be safe. I mean there are some doctors that prescribe it for cd 1-5 so I am not worried. I am prayerful that this will help with me ovulating earlier. I don’t ovulate until cd19 or 20 and that could be the reason for the miscarriage last time. I pray that this will work. So I will take the Clomid at bedtime so that I can sleep off a lot of the side effects (horn syndrome) and I will continue on with the regimen.

Day 3

So today was nothing special. I worked in the yard and all is well. No side effects of the Clomid this morning or throughout the day. It usually will not start until day 3 of the Clomid. I hope that I can continue to feel well thru this and not have any of the usual side effects. Today will be a rest and get ready for the week day.

Day 4

I am feeling so bloated today. I mean I feel like someone blew my belly up like a balloon and believe you me. I am not a small girl and so this looks even worse on me. I am belching every 5 minutes. That is even with not eating. I have tried it all. Tums, Maalox, nothing is helping….. Oh Lord please keep me feeling alright.

Day 5

Today I am really bloated. So bad that the jeans I was so proud I was in last month from my weight loss are now not buttoning and look as though they never will. I know this is only short term but I am so ready for it to go away. I have cramps in my lower abdominal region so that tells me something is working. I don’t think that I have recorded the temps above but I will here….. 97, 96.7, 96.8, 96.9, 97.2. This is great. They are right where I would like for them to be. We will wait and see. Cramping is getting a little worse than I remember but nothing I can’t handle.

Day 6

Well today was my normal day 6 dive in temp. It was 96.7 this morning and that is what a .6 change. Oh this is right on track. I just need to be sure that it goes back up so that it can dip lower on day 14. I really need to make sure that the ovulation happens at t good time this month to insure a good egg. The bloating is still here and the cramping is more frequent. I am sure this is just my ovaries working overtime. Lol. We just need a lot of prayer for us and the Lord is going to take care of this. Oh and last night AF left the house. Wooooo hoooooo, doing great……….

Update

2008-07-15T13:55:00.000-07:00

So I am on CD 5. Yes you read that right..... It is a long story and I have a long post that have been keeping for a journal but I wanted to let you know that I got my prescription filled and wanted to take it at night so that I was not quite as hormonal during the day. lol. Well that night, I went to the lil girls room only to discover that AF came!!!!! I was ecstatic. I was not so happy about the $20 I could have put back in my purse from the medicine but ya know how that goes. Anyway, I am on CD5 and I am on day 3 of the Clomid 100 mg. This is the first time to go that high. (I know it is not high but they worry about the dose for me) They always gave me 50 mg. I am taking the baby aspirin. I am taking the prenatal vitamins.... hmmmmm there has to be something else......I start the guaifenesin in 2 days for CM.

So I am temping very regular. I am almost obsessive this time about it. I always did it within about 30-45 minutes time, but this time it is within 5 minutes. lol.

If all goes well it should follow....

MONTH 1:
7/11/08 - First day of your cycle
7/22/08 - A little bit fertile
7/23/08 - Fertile
7/24/08 - VERY fertile
7/25/08 - Time to ovulate

8/04/08 - A home pregnancy test may work now.

8/08/08 - End of cycle
8/11/08 - No period? Maybe you're pregnant!
4/17/09 - If you are, this is your approximate due date

I love baby hopes, it helps me plan for the next 3 months. I will post the journal tomorrow. Take care and thank you to all that have emailed me.

Provera blues

2008-07-08T07:20:00.000-07:00

Well it has been a while since I last blogged. Alot has happened around here. We went to Texas to see my family. It was great. It was relaxing and there was talk about maybe moving. I was in hog heaven yall. hehe, had to use the term. So I will blog later about that.

Today is a downer day. It is CD48 on what seems to be 10dpo. I am really not sure of that due to 2 drops in my temp this time. I don't know what is going on but I know that I POAS last night and BFN. I called this morning and the doctor wants me to start the provera to induce AF. That really upsets me. When I had my BFP I was ecstatic and the when I miscarried, I was devistated and one of the only things (of course my Lord and savior) that kept me going and getting up in the morning was listening to the doctor say, Jenni, you are doing great and at least now we know you can get pregnant. Hopefully this shock to your system will even out your hormones. Well it did for 2 months. I mean 28 day cycles were wonderful. It was nice to know when AF was visiting. Well here we are on that month 3 and I am having a 48 if not longer cycle. I am upset that I will have to take something to induce AF and feel like crud due to the hormone levels. Yet again, I am happy due to the fact that we will be able to cycle again.

This is my last cycle on clomid alone. We will go back to the RE in 2 months and see what the next steps are. By then, the new insurance will have kicked in and we can get moving.

In other news I found out that my step sister is pregnant with baby 4. She can't even take care of the 3 she has now. I mean DH and I went over for the weekend and there was hardly any food in the fridge and what was there, the kids were scared to eat saying, no, no, that is daddy's. I didn't give a flying rats behind, I fed them anyway and went to the store and bought snacks. lol. I am just like that. Well here we are off to baby 4. There is also a young lady at work that informed me that she is due in March. hmmmmmm I am thinking there is another out there close to me as we all know, these come in 3s. That now makes 7 that have said in one way or another (blog) that they are expecting. I have a hard time but I am so excited for those who have been waiting so long.

Just my provera blues kicking in. Yall take care now ya hear!

Another infertile bites the dust!!!!! 5 BFP this month

2008-06-24T08:23:00.000-07:00

Okay damn it..... Here is #4 for the month...... I think there is something in the water and I am not close enough to drink it. lol. No really,
Melissa

is finally pregnant and after 2 very sad losses, she is up for the fight. She will need prayer for the upcoming shots she will have to take. I am amazed and in awe of all 4 of you this month. I am truly happy for you all.

No sooner than I hit publish post... I ran across this...... I had to change the 4 to 5... holy cow... I just don't know that I can read much more.... I am exstatic for each and every one of you wonderful women.....

Mel

In other news, well there is no other news for me really, I don't understand really what the big plan is supposed to be. You see last night I POAS and there was the faintest of positive lines. I mean you really had to look but it was there. (it was that way last time on the first day) well this morning, there is nothing resembling a positive. I pray and pray every day. I tell the Lord that I am okay with not being pregnant this month. Please don't send me false signs. Please. I just want to have AF visit and start my next cycle. I know that this is the cycle for us. I get scared to death to take the provera to induce AF because I can't be for sure. I am thinking that it is time to go to the doctor and make him find out for sure. well okay I will POAS one more time on Friday and if negative then, I will call in the guards for AF.

Congratulations

2008-06-23T05:26:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, as hard as it is.... I am ecstatic for 3 of the original blogs I read.

alison

sweetie

jennepper

These 3 women were literally 3 of the first 4 blogs that I started reading. They are part of the reason for me being so addicted to blogging. I have to say that I am so happy for them. I really am. They show me that hope is there.

So today is CD 39 and no sign of AF. Also I have POAS and all I get are BFN. I am sad cause I am worried that we are back to the bad cycles again. I really need help, I need to know if I should take the provera to make me start or not. I have that bad feeling that if I do then there is that chance of just waiting a few more days. I have had the EWCM for the last several days and my temp is up from normal. I just want something to go on. I am ready for AF so that I can cycle. I already have the Clomid on hand. I am taking the Metformin as I am supposed to. I am just ready for something. I am so happy about this upcoming cycle. I was so happy that I was normal after the miscarriage. 28 days and that was the limit for 3 months and now we are back to being on cd39 with no sign of AF or pregnancy. Here is the squirly chart O temp. lol

Oh well, I will move on. I will put on my big girl panties and deal with it. Why you ask, well right now is a great time for DH and I. We are having too much fun "playing" as I am sure that this was anovulatory cycle. hehe. I know TMI but still I is great. I am going to start the pole classes like Alicia as she has me wanting to know more about them. lol. I can see my stripper behind, up on a pole. lol. More on the family later. There is way to much to post and I need to get caught up at work. lol.

Fun Time

2008-06-17T12:51:00.000-07:00

My wonderful friend has tagged me and woooo hooo this is my first meme. I am so excited. After the wisdom tooth adventure (which it was) and then vacation (which was..... well I will blog later about it) I need a little happiness in my life.... Here we go....

The rules of the game get posted at the beginning. Each player answers the questions about themselves. At the end of the post, the player then tags 5-6 people and posts their names, then go to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

1. What was I doing ten years ago?
-I was having babyitis but knew that it was not our time. I was a newlywed with a 3 year old and was working at a daycare teaching 4 year olds. I loved those kids. When they graduated, I didn't think I could teach another group. (I had been their teacher since they were 2)

2. Five things on my to do list for today?
-Pay the power bill
-pack up son for trip with family
-Take HPT (cd 34, no signs of AF, need to start provera)
-Change health insurance to plan that covers infertility.

3. Snacks I enjoy?
-absolute favorite is the red peanut patties (I have only found them in TX) when not in TX, it is a butterfinger and a coke. hehe.

4. Things I would do if I were a billionaire? I would definitly travel to ethiopia and build an orphanage complex for the older children that have lost parents to HIV or been abandonded. I would then turn to the poor regions here in the united states and I would have to come up with a way to help those children. I would take care of my family as well and some of my best friends.

5. Places I have lived?

Fort Worth, TX
Cleburne , TX
Crowley, TX
Lucedale, MS
Pascagoula, MS

6. People I want to know more about.

Alison
http://melissaandjeffrey.blogspot.com
http://southern-infertility.blogspot.com/
http://tryingtoconceivewithpcos.blogspot.com/
http://makinghimadaddy.blogspot.com/

Finally!!

2008-06-09T08:22:00.000-07:00

So finally, I got the horrible wisdom tooth cut out on Thursday. Now this is a tooth that has been bothering me for a little over a year. Yes, I know, I should have gotten it pulled but see, I have a fear of dentists. I mean, horrible, I can't breath fear.

The last time I was supposed to have it extracted, I found out that I was pregnant and I am sure you know, I didn't do it for fear of hurting the baby. Well I had a flare up and decided that I never want to go thru 5 days of that pain again. There is just something about mouth pain that you just can't handle. So I did it. yeahhhhh me. It is all over. Now I don't have to worry about being pregnant as it is all over and I can move on.

The doctor was very nice. The last thing I remember was the nurse saying, awww she is crying and then I was out.

Now that it is over, I am looking forward to vacation in the mountains on Wednesday thru Sunday. A little under a week in a peaceful place with my family and some relaxation.

DH has been on it this weekend. He won't leave me alone. I think the Viagra monster took over or something. lol. Thanks for listening to me vent and thank you for your support. I am much better now.

Just a little venting.

2008-06-03T07:37:00.000-07:00

A wonderful woman over at http://emptyarmsandbrokenhearts.blogspot.com/ is in need of support. She is having a hard time right now and a little love would help.

She brings up a sensitive point for me. Her and her DH are having "one of those nights". Many of us, if not all of us go thru this. We as the women who are going thru all of the treatments have a hard time with the constant poking and prodding that comes with the treatments. This is just my take on this.

I think that for me personally, there comes a time when every woman with PCOS that is married to someone that is not suffering from IF, feels worthless. I even get jealous. I get mad at my DH for being able to spit 45 million little troopers into a cup and yet I can't get one damn egg out. I hate that I feel like I can't do anything in this arena. I want to feel normal. I want to know what day my period is coming without having to take medication. I want to know exactly what day I am going to ovulate without having an ultrasound. I want to go months at a time and just not worry about what my body is doing. I want that complete satisfaction. I need that. I need to know that I am okay.

Don't get me wrong. I know that I am whole in my Lord's eyes. I know that he made me perfect in his eyes. I just don't understand why my eyes don't show it.

I have had many of those nights with DH where the arguments are more than I can stand. Where there is no talking and the loneliness is so overwhelming on top of the issues that you feel already from the IF that you want to crawl out of your skin for a while. You want to just step away for just a bit. Maybe be someone else. Maybe walk down a street for once and not notice every single baby and every woman that is pregnant and get an overwhelming feeling of nausea.

I have told my husband in the middle of those fights that he will never understand cause "your junk works just flipping fine". I have screamed at the top of my lungs that he should divorce me and find someone who can give him the second child he so desires. I have told him that I would just rather not be married to him and watch him with someone else and see him with that child just so that I know he is happy. I have told him that I love him enough to let him go and have that dream. Now keep in mind that me and DH have been married for 14 years and I am really truly not ready to give that up. I am however over feeling like the one that can't hold up the end of her vows. I think back to one line in particular....... Thru good times and bad..... oh my goodness is this ever a bad time. Okay so for the last 12 years this has been a bad time for me. so is he supposed to love me thru all of this. My answer would be hell yeah. but then I feel sorry for him.

I hate that he has to see my roller coaster of a ride from the medications and from the ups and downs of BFN and finally a BFP only to lead to a miscarriage of our precious baby that we had waited so long for. Now don't get me wrong. I know where my baby is and I have accepted that he or she is in my great saviours arms being cooed at by her paw-paw. I love that thought and it puts a smile on my face to think about it. But then again, I hate that he will not be here when I finally get my miracle. I want him to be here to take that baby out in the back yard like he did with Jake and tickle their nose with the Mimosa tree blooms. Okay so off task but you can see where I am going with this.

Oh how it perturbs me to think about the timed sex and that he can't enjoy it because "it always seems timed" or "there is so much pressure for him" Oh how my nerves wilt when I hear that because Lord knows I don't have pressure on me. I don't have to worry about the lab results. I don't have to worry about what day and what time my meds are taken. I don't have to make sure that my cm looks just right and that my cervix is in the right position. Oh boy don't get me started on that. You see this is where the anger starts and the hormones go out the roof top.

I get angry when I think of the hair that I have in places, I don't want to discuss and how I have to work harder than most to feel "girly" for him. I hate that I have to worry about all of that, I just want to get in the shower and now worry about shaving my neck like a man would. I don't want to worry while walking thru wal-mart, if my stubble is so bad that others notice it and look at my DH and wonder why in the hell he is with me. I know he loves me and would get upset to see I put all of this down. He would tell me that I do a great job keeping this up because he didn't even know it was that big of a problem. ahhhhhhhhh too much. I absolutely love my DH and wouldn't trade him for the world yet I feel so guilty and horrible that I am the cause of this stress in our marriage which leads to the hormonal imbalance induced blow outs every now and then.

Thank you for reading. I worry I said too much and I really never thought I would write that down but hey, look what a little venting does for the soul.

Wonderful weekend

2008-06-02T07:20:00.000-07:00

It has been a long time since I had a great weekend. I mean between digging trenches and cutting trees and cleaning a horribly unregulated pool, I have not had a great weekend in a while. Well this weekend was different. My 2 neices came to stay the weekend with us. It is always such a treat. They are great girls and I love them to death. I don't know what I would do without those lil snots. Bit-bit (Brittany) is 5 and K-K (Kaylen) is 4. Yes my sister was one of those people that upset me. She had just had bit and 3 months later told me that she was 6 weeks pregnant with k-k. First words out of my mouth were, you shouldn't have even been having sex then. Oh well though. I wouldn't give them up.

In case I never said this before, I live right next door to MIL. Yes I know, bad. But when daddy passed away, it was a blessing to be there. Especially since we had just lost everything we owned 4 months prior to that in Hurricane Katrina. We needed a home as the FEMA camper was getting too small. Later on those issues. lol. Well the pool is in her back yard and is finally done and the yard work is done. It was time to enjoy them this weekend. We just have one of the 18 ft. Intex above ground pools but we love it. This was year 3 of having the pool and for some reason, it was horribly off kilter with the chemichals and something called a mustard algea. Anyway, after many vacumming and cleaing and alot of chemichals, we are back on track.

We spent all weekend out there. I work for a company where we work 4-10 hour days and so we are off on Fridays. I love it. DH cooked on the grill and we lived out there. Thank you to the makers of Citronella candles, tiki torches and some new kind of garlic granuals to keep all of those pesky skitters away. I was in heaven all weekend with the family.

Okay, so how in the world to I turn that picture. I hope you can see.

Well that was until yesterday when I went from having 3 kids in the house to having none. Our son went back with them for the next 2 weeks. He will be a lil red-neck in the woods. lol. We have plans to go to Gatlinburg at the end of next week, so he will be back for that. Then after he will return to my moms for some more red-neck fun. It is times like this that I am reminded of the loss of not having another child. I mean, not to pat me on the back but I was a golden child handeling 3 children this weekend. I loved it. It proved to me that I could be a great mom to twins. lol. Anyway, I am cd18 and lots of ew cm so you never know. I will say that this month has been a no go on the ttc issue. Again, I can only tell you the day I am on, I keep forgetting to temp and the only reason I am aware of the cm is that it is very present. I don't have to go poking to find out. lol.

See, it feels great to be in a good mood. I love it.

I will say that you all bring me happiness everyday. I love you all and I am an avid reader to several of you. I am grateful for your time and emails.

I pray for you all to recieve your miricle and for those of you carrying, to be healthy and safe. I have decided that I will put a verse on here at least once a week. For this week.......

Hebrew 11:1,3

Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. ... By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God's command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible.

I pray that I will keep my faith close to be reminded of God's greatness.

Am I way out there?

2008-05-29T12:46:00.000-07:00

Just wondering. You see I work in a large company and when I found out that I was pregnant, there were 6 others at the same time that were due within a month of one another. Well, only 3 are still pregnant. Although this is very sad and hurtful, I thought I would be fine around these women. That was until today. You see there is another woman that we work with that was very supportive and encouraging when I lost the baby. She was so upset and telling me that our time was coming and so on but today when I was in the building with her and all of the other women, one of the girls that is still pregnant and due one week before my due date walked by. My friend stopped me and her and was talking about about her baby and the pregnancy and I felt as though she was rubbing it in about the pregnancy. She was asked in front of me about her cravings and her weight gain and how she was feeling. She then preceded to go on and on about a baby shower she just had and then was informed that there was another one coming up that the office was throwing her. They both then turned to me and made sure that I knew I was invited. I gladly accepted but I tell you what, it really set me off. I was so upset. I am upset right now and I need to blow off the steam. I wanted to tell them both that they were making me feel bad but I kept my mouth shut and I just drove back to my office.

I mean I know that I am not the only one out there in this position and I realize that I am happy for other pregnant women but that was just uncalled for in my book. I just don't think they though they did anything wrong. whewwww, I feel better now.

On another token, I was scheduled to have 2 wisdom teeth extracted today but at the last minute, the appointment was cancelled. Now this is not a big deal you see but to my MIL it is. She knows that I didn't want to go to have this done and yet, I was going. Okay so the DH had to make me and he was in the truck all of the way until we got the call but still I was going. well I am sure one day I will blog on my MIL but for right now, I will just tell you that she called to check on me which yes that is nice but when I told her that I was cancelled, she said, you are lying. Now keep in mind that I love her to death but then again this is the same woman that has said some things that have been hurtful to me but I let it roll off. I don't know, maybe I am still in the IF funk but today has royally sucked. blahhhhhhh.

Whewwww! well needed

2008-05-28T04:15:00.000-07:00

Good day to you all. I hope that you had a great holiday. I personally had to work but hey, I got off early, went home and threw some goodies on the grill and hopped into the pool. I love that pool. It might now be much but to me it is everything. It is the place I go to take my mind off of things.

We spent all weekend working in the yard for MIL. She has been hinting that there were some things that needed to be done but I just haven't wanted to do them. I finally got out there and took care of everything that she needed and plus some. That is the good news because now I don't have to spend every weekend for a while. Now we are on to vacation talk. I am not for sure why but this year, we have waited until the last minute to book anything and now it is my head on the block to get it all booked and hope and pray that it is a nice place. We always go to the smokey mountains and there is no change in this year except she doesn't want to stay in the normal cabin we stay in. She says that there are too many memories of daddy there. I can't say that I blame her. It is always sad for me to be there. I am looking for a great rental near pigeon forge so if you know any, feel free to email me.

Okay I am on cd13 and with no clomid in the system, I have not seen the change in cm or cp. I will wait this one out. I was thinking that there are so many things I want to do. I have gone for the last 12 years wanting a baby so badly that I could just about smell the johnson & Johnsons in the house. I think I am getting over this. I think I am getting to the point of just being grateful that I raised one wonderful handsome child. I just always felt that I was on this earth for more than one child and when a doctor tells you that you are going to have trouble concieving, well that just blows it out of the water. Now I don't know what the cost of IUI is but I just don't know if we are going to go that way. I will have to see. I am just tierd. I have had enough I think. I mean this cycle, I only know what day I am on and that is about it. I am not checking the cervix like I normally would and I just can't seem to remember to temp. I don't know what is wrong with me. I think I am in the IF funk. Yuck!!!!!

"Thank you" is never enough

2008-05-26T05:55:00.000-07:00

Happy Memorial Day to you all!

I would like to take the time to say thank you's......

My first thank you is to my brother, who, on this memorial day, I am reminded of the sacrifice of some for the freedom of all. I loved that kid. Really, I did. What am I talking about, I do. I miss that lil snot everyday. I miss him being corny. I miss his good looks. I miss his great smile and his hugs. The term "Thank you" will never be enough for what he gave for his country. He is my hero. I love ya bubba! This is my bubba and my dad right before he deployed the first time. Ain't he a cutie......

I would also like to say thank you to some blogger friends.....

Kim http://makinghimadaddy.blogspot.com/

Girl you keep me going. Whenever I get down, you are there to remind me of the prize and for that I am grateful. Your posts make me smile and look forward to them always.

Alicia http://aliciamillis.typepad.com/alicia/

Girl, you are so funny. I love reading your blog. I am telling you, I share your shoe and purse addiction but I am quiet so no one will catch me. lol. Your posts are the best. I love reading them. I love tissue and I appreciate the information that you give. Thank you.

There are more but for right now. I think those 2 have made my day and I will save the others for future posts.

Again everyone, Thank you sometimes doesn't seem to do it for the support in the emails that I get from all of you. It is truly great. Thank you.... (see I did it again)

Rushing Rivers

2008-05-22T07:48:00.000-07:00

Well today is cd8 and I have had a horrible time with 3 teeth. Yes 3 wisdom teeth were infected starting Friday night after the memorial. My DH and DS and I traveled to San Antonio ( I will post some gorgeous pictures later) and we had a good time. Saturday night all hell broke loose. Literally. I was miserable and with a 9 hour drive ahead of me, I told the DH that he was going to have to do it. I just couldn't. So my temp has been way up and that is throwing me off this month but I am trying to watch. I called the doctors office and told them to call in the Clomid and HA! what great call iners they must have because they didn't call it in for cd 5 to start and by the time I talked to her on cd6, it was too late so whatever. I am going this month with no clomid and a wobbly temp. I might just scrap this month all together.

On the other front, I have to say that the memorial (again with the picture promise) was the best. I have never seen such young and proud men standing up for my bubba. I love everyone of those boys. To me they are boys. They have such baby faces.

We went out that night to eat and saw some of the guys. I was talking to them and of course DH gets off on his kick of "I never understood how you can serve your country for my freedom and put your life on the line and yet you can't even go into the 7-11 and by a damn beer" Well you know how that went over in a crown of 18 year olds. lol. Well it was fun to see everyone and boy did we love our time away from home. The mini vacation was great.

I am hoping for peace and miracles this month.

On a sad note... I just read about Steve Curtis Chapman's daughter. For those of you not familiar, he is a Christian contemporary singer who is an avid adoption supporter. His 5 year old daughter who was adopted from China, was killed yesterday in a tragic accident at their home. Please keep this family in your prayers for they are in desperate need of them. I can't imagine my family going thru a loss so horrible.

Lots of love

2008-05-15T04:39:00.000-07:00

Good morning to you all. uhhhhh Houston, we have an AF. Lots of cramping last night and then this morning, AF arrived. This is not normal for me. I have not been "normal" for about 3 years. I have had to medically induce an AF. this is actually good news for me. Although I was hoping for bigger things, this is not our month and for some reason, I am okay with that. this has to be the first time, I have been okay with it. I wanted to take a month off but I think I have it in me for just one more temping and blah, blah. There are several bloggers that I have been reading and looking at since I started blogging and it is funny how we are on within days of eachother. I will blog on them next time as I want to give them due credit.

This time is kind of a relief for me and I will break from the IF for just a bit. I haven't blogged about it before so here it goes...

On September 6, 2007 a major part of my heart was taken. My brother. You see he was a Cav Scout in the Army and was stationed in Mosul, Iraq. There is a long story about our family and I really don't think it is something I should post right now. I loved that kid and that is all that matters. He is so handsome. He was full of life. He was just like me and a little goofy to boot. He loved his job. He didn't agree with why we were there but he did his job and he did a damn good job of it. He died from an IED blast. The biggest IED found to date. Without all of the details, it was bad.

All of this being said, I miss him. Today we will leave and drive for 10 hours to a memorial where they are putting his name on a wall. I am sure that it is great and I am sure that I will be the proud sister but right now, I am not looking forward to this. There is bad weather and we are going to be in a truck for 10 hours. On top of the fact that I will be the one driving after working for 1/2 the day. Okay I am just being selfish now. It kind of helps me to get my mind off of it. Okay now it is sinking in that the AF came this morning. lol. I know now why I am so hormonal. lol.

Thank you all so much and have a great day.

Time for Prayer

2008-05-13T11:18:00.000-07:00

Today I will post the prayer for today.

Lord, I would like to take time to thank you for all you have done in my families life. You have made my life turn on a dime for the better and for that, I will never be able to thank you. You have brought me thru a time of despair and a loss of guidance. Not on your behalf but on mine. I should have known where to turn for reassurance and I chose to turn the opposite. I thank you for the loving man in my life. I know that even thru the hard times, you brought him to me for a reason and I am seeing that more and more every day. I thank you for our wonderful son. For he is the one that you sent to me to brighten my day. I am sure that I would be a basket case without your work shining thru him.

Lord I thank you for all of the readers that are lifting me and my family up in prayers. I pray for them as well Lord. I pray for the loss in their heart and I pray for blessings and miracle to flow within this circle. I know there are some out there Lord that are reaching up for you Lord and I pray that you will lean down and help them out of that pit of despair. I would ask you Lord to watch over each and everyone of them. Guide them and direct them in the way that you have for them. Lord see the light in their heart and let it shine for you. Although sometimes, we don't want to hear what you have to say Lord, I pray that we will still hear you just as you hear our every cry.

Lord, I pray for my health along with the many others praying for theirs as well. I pray for the miracle that will come, to be healthy and happy and to live a life of service for you. Your will be done Lord, in your time. I can only watch as the time goes by and the flowers bloom and take in your awesomeness. You are my God and for that I am in awe of you. You are the keeper of my soul and you are the one I long for. I hope I am as wonderful of a bride to you as any other. Again, I thank you for Life and understanding along with forgiveness and love. Nothing is the same without you.

Today has been one of those days that you sit here and ponder everything. I can remember a time when I had no idea when I was going to start and here I am with the date and eagerly anticipating that I won't. I mean, I don't want to start. I pray for the miracle that is within me to blossom and grow. I am claiming victory on this one. I am claiming his wonderful work.

I am in one of those moods of knowing that this day will come but wishing I had a God clock. You know what I mean. The Bible says that he will do it in his time. I am just fine with that but God also knows the woman he created in me and he knows that I need to know. lol. I need the clock that says okay, your earthly time equals this in God time. I would keep the clock close. I could then at least feel better. Even if the Lord says, Jennifer it will be another year before you are going to have a baby... well then I would enjoy the time. lol. I would be okay, if I just knew.

I have difficulty with that but I am working on it. Thank you so much for your words and actions. They mean the world to me.

Out there thoughts!!!

2008-05-12T10:34:00.000-07:00

So we are off to another Monday around here. It is a normal drab day and all is going according to the books. I mean my spreadsheets are done, my charts are updated, the staff package is together and…. Well…. All is on schedule.

I was thinking yesterday while we were at my moms. Today is about the mother and I have been fortunate to experience that feeling. There are so many women out there that just want that… 1 baby to call their own. They just want that 1 biological child to love and cherish. I am so in love with all of my blogger friends and the compassion and support that they share for me and others. Thank you to all of you.

I did on the other hand get that questions that gets to my last nerve. So bad that the DH steps in to answer. It is asked in many forms to many women but mine goes something like this… “So Jenni, when are you going to have another one?” Oh that eats at me. I want to look at them and say… well, when the ovaries go off of strike and start to work but I always say the truth. “ When the good Lord thinks it is the right time.”

Then I see on another blog, that the Duggers are having their 18th baby and I want to fall out. I just don’t understand. I mean I really don’t get it.

So on the cycle side of things, I am on cd25 and I am 6dpo. So the waiting is getting there. I have poas, only to see 1 line. Oh well, wishful thinking I guess. I knew it was too early but hey, it was worth a try. The pill brigade is still present along with the progesterone bullet so we are moving forth. I do think that after this cycle, we may just take a rest. I am in debate over this.

Random

2008-05-08T06:34:00.000-07:00

So here I sit at the office, loaded with the Progesterone bullet. I am 2dpo on cd 21. I faxed over the bbt chart to the doc and he called back to say that it was a beautiful chart. I was unsure but her has a way of making me feel better. The temp did go up just a little more today so that is a good sign. I feel as though I am a pill factory every morning. I take 2 metformin in the morning, 2 prenatal vitamins, 1 baby aspirin, 1 suppository. Then in the evening, 2 more metformin, 1 more baby aspirin and 1 more supper suppository.

I was laying in bed last night wondering about all of this. I started laughing uncontrollably with the thought of what these doctors think when they tell all of us what to do. I mean, here is a man who has no clue whatsoever what it is like to shove something somewhere and have to walk around with that feeling, He is telling me to check my cervix, Yeah I can imagine him laughing at the thought of my big butt squatted and trying to get to places I don't usually get. Then there is the best one of thinking about all of these women trying to lay still after they.... well..... do the deed. I am sure that when he goes to his office after he has told me all of this, he is thinking, I don't know how but maybe I could turn some of them over to cirqu de soliel for some stretching exercises.

My doc is great but he is a cut up too. He asked my husband one time while he was in there for a pelvic check for "ferning" , "well if you are that uncomfortable with this, I will let you come down here and get the practice for later". I about fell off of the table. This is also the man that sat and held me while I fell apart in his office. I love that man.

No real topic today, just kind of feeling "blahhhh" I will tell you though, never take all of your meds on an empty stomach. I was in the truck about to drive into the yard, when I got an overwhelming feeling of nausea. All I can say is that I was grateful for the hard hat that was in the back seat. I will also say that I was proud of myself for being about to whip the truck around in a U turn and drive back to the house and clean up while still puking in the hat. Oh well. Sorry for TMI.

I will still pray.....

Lord, Thank you for this day. Thank you for the opportunity to live another day and shine for you. Thank you for the ability to wake up and move around this morning. Thank you for my family and the joy that they give me. Please continue to focus me and my life. Help me to remember that you are first and foremost. You know the desires of my heart and you know my daily struggles. Thank you for being so forgiving and thank you for loving me.

HUH?????

2008-05-07T04:54:00.000-07:00

So I know that this probably has been done but I haven't seen anyone do it on any of the many wonderful blogs I read. Here is my chart for this month.... before you say anything... yes it is on my computer and it is really colored and it really is in a spreadsheet that will auto Tally the difference in the temperature. I know it is a little obsessive but hey, if you are in need of a really cool BBT chart, I will email it to you. lol. I was hoping for some advice this morning.

I have been reading many of the blogs and they say that right after O, they begin their progesterone. Well I have the suppositories in the fridge but the doctor didn't specify when to begin them. I was also wondering the same thing about the baby aspirin. I am getting conflicting stories. Okay and the last thing that we have all been waiting for was the temp spike this morning. Well as you can see on cd20, it did rise .6 degrees and that is well within the limitations. It had fell so low before.... anyway you can see. Let me know what you think the master ovaries did this month. lol.

I wanted to say hello and thank you to all who read yesterday and saw the wonderful georgous pictures of Jake. He appriciates being the center of attention. lol. He said thank you to all of you for the comments.

My Teenager (OMG! did I just type that!)

2008-05-06T09:23:00.001-07:00

First for those of you reading and wondering…. Still no spike but I am undeterred as this is cd19 and they say it can still happen up to cd20. The big O that is…… I am trying not to dwell on it.

I thought that for today I would talk about something that makes me extremely happy… My son. He just turned 13 and boy that made me sad. He really is a great kid. We have been thru so much as a family and he is probably the strongest of all of us. He really is great. Here he is at about 3 years old…..

Yes, we are huge NASCAR fans and were die hard Earnhardt fans. So you can tell in the picture that we are telling Jake not to touch the car. Lol. The face gives away the thought of … “what, I wasn’t just touching the car, you didn’t see me, you can’t prove it” lol.

Here he is at my husbands neice (really cousin but DH is an only child and so she is a neice. Lol) Doesn’t he look nervous. Haha. Cute though….

This is a picture of him and DH in the car on the way to Washington D.C. Boy was that a long drive from the coast. I have funny pictures but I can’t find them right now. Still great looking (both of them).

Here he is with me in a picture. I took him to have pictures made and he did great. At the end, he told the photographer that he needed a picture with his mom. Awwwww. I had to do it. Even if I wasn’t ready to do it. Haha.

This is the most recent picture of him. This was taken while he was doing a shadow at mine and the DH's employment. This is my boss. Jake was his shadow. It was great.
It is times like this that I don’t get the whole “infertility” thing. You see Jake was an “accident” when I was 16. We weren’t trying but it happened. After we had Jake, I took BC for about 4 months and then they said that it would take about 6 months to get pregnant so we wanted our next child close to Jake. Well as I am sure you can tell… that never happened and here we are 12 years later. I hate it for him and I bear the guilt of him not having that. I feel as though he blames me, just as I think my DH does as well. Oh yeah, they tell me that it is okay and that we are all fine and that it will happen in God’s time and you better believe that I know that. I am sure of it. I know with our history that it would not have been good for us to have another child. But I feel that we are in a good place and all I can do it pray that God will give me the miracle of child. I still say the prayer and believe…….
“If you can believe, all things are possible.” Mark 9:23

What day is it???

2008-05-05T06:00:00.000-07:00

So today is monday and it is cd18. I am worried as my tracking of bbt is looking a bit like a roller coaster at six flags. I have done much reading on the net of women that say that even with taking clomid, they did not O until day 20. I was noticing this morning that there was a dip in the temp which is a good sign. I am hoping to see the spike in the morning. That would be great and give me a little hope as to what is going on. Other than that, I have no updates. I am still worried about the cm but I am hoping the cough meds will help with that.

IN other news, I work for a company that has 2 yards. I was called out to the yard in New Orleans on Thursday and so the nice young lady in the office with me went as well. She had never been to Bourbon st. so you know I had to take her. It was a joy to watch her face at all of the sights and sounds as it was jazz fest this weekend. We enjoyed great food and the hotel we stayed in was great. It was a well needed break although, I was more worried about being gone for the sex that was needed. lol.

I have so enjoyed the emails and comments of encouragement from you all. Keep praying as I am hoping we just have a long cycle this time. Pray that the temp will spike in the morning and I will have a little hope. hehe.

Too much of a good thing!

2008-04-29T05:37:00.000-07:00

So last night, while getting ready for the first "big" night of baby making, I realized that "making love" had lost it's luster. You know you can't really get in the mood when you know it is something you have to do. Okay so maybe that is just me but come on, When you are counting and checking and taking your temperature and then it is like okay, we have to do it everyday for the next 7 days..... well that kind of looses its luster for me. haha.

With that being said, maybe I shouldn't but I am going to tell you about my redneck DH. He really is the greatest and we have been through so much in our 14 years of marriage. Much more than most. Now, I will tell you that the first time 15 years ago that I saw him, I melted. It was lust at first sight. He had a psycho girlfriend but I will have to tell you more on that later. lol. Anyway after being manipulated, we went out on our first outing. I will say that there was just something about this man. He was 21 and I was 16. shhhhhh don't tell my mom. No really she found out and about had a cow. Anyway, that night, I snuck out of the window and went to a party at his house. Now I have never been a drinker but he was and that night, he decided not to drink. He said he wanted to remember that night. Boy things got hot and heavy really quick and I wanted to but kept telling him that he was not going to call me in the morning and I didn't want to do something with a guy that I had a crush on for the last 6 months and him not respect me. Well I have to tell you, We did. That first night. Granted I had known him for 6 months and had lusted over him for that time but still, this was the first night of us going out. All of that being said... at 9 the next morning, HE CALLED. lol. I still remember the conversation like it was yesterday. lol. We have never in the 15 years together not seen each other every day since then except maybe 6 nights total. I love that man.

I typed all of that to get back to the original post, I was not feeling really "in the mood" but I knew we had to if we were going to try to get pregnant. I went to get my bath and when I went in, there were candles by the tub and my favorite book. I thought, awwwe that was sweet. Then, after enjoying my wonderful bubble bath that he had run for me, I was floating and ready to go to sleep. BUT, when I walked into the room, there were candles all over and the lights were out with my favorite CD in the background playing. Again, I tell you that this is not my husband. lol. He does not do these things. He is all about the no stroke before the poke if you catch my drift. I know this is personal but I am here to tell you that we have not had a night like that in a while. Granted when we do, it is good but last night it was great. Can someone please tell me where he took a class on this. lol. I am not for sure but if I find out, I will let you know. haha.

For those of you wondering where the 13 year old was in all of this..... well he was next door staying the night with his mi-mi. That was set by the wonderful hubby as well with all of his smooth talking about how his mimi needed company that night and she had cooked his favorite meal... yada, yada, yada. hehe. I am still on cloud 9 as I type this. What a wonderful way to make a baby!! hopefully!! Praise to the Lord above.

not too much to say

2008-04-28T13:37:00.000-07:00

Today while sitting here, I realized that today is cd10. I am in the mode of checking and rechecking. I will have more to say later but I just feel tierd from all of the worry and waiting.

Working on it

2008-04-24T06:50:00.000-07:00

I have read some amazing blogs this morning. I have learned that the frustration that I feel on cd7. I am praying for miracles. I start the progesterone suppositories soon. Really I am not for sure when to start those. I am still trying to find out. I did start the GF this morning for CM. Well off to another go around. I have not figured out how to put in the link for a blog and it just read their names so Here are a couple of the interesting blogs from this morning if you would like to to read...
http://southern-infertility.blogspot.com/
http://makinghimadaddy.blogspot.com/
http://thepromiseofourlove.blogspot.com/

Everything is going smoothly???

2008-04-23T04:22:00.000-07:00

I was sitting there last night while watching American Idol, thinking wow this could be the month. You see last month there was a dread and fear almost as immidiate as the + sign on the test. lol. I almost instantly knew it was not going to work. This time, I am not going to do that. I am not going to test 5 days before my missed period and I am not going to count the hours before I can test (oh yeah it was that bad for me too) . Thru all of the blogs I read now of the wonderful women that suffer from PCOS, I have learned that I am not as brave as I thought. I don't keep it together as well as I think I am and I am not alone. Sometimes you begin to feel that way. You begin to think that you are the only woman in the world that can not have kids that desire them.

I would sit there in the doctors offices and see these 14 year-old girls come in with their mom and I hate to even say it but I am jelous. I am jelous of the women that are living in the projects, not married to the man and she is having babies left and right and I am paying for them. I am not saying that against anyone that is living in low income housing. I am talking about the ones that are sitting on their behinds watching soap operas and sending their children to daycare for free and living with a man that has a job and they are both driving nice cars because she isn't married to him and doesn't need to let them know the money he is bringing in. I am talking about the women that have been in the system since they had a child at 15 and now have 4 more and still in the system. I live in Hurricane Katrina country and I know there is work out there for people. I just get mad that I am paying for someone else to have all of these babies and not really care about then. To them they are a paycheck every month. I know this sounds harsh and I realize that some will be offended. I will say that this is not my feeling on everyone, I just live right around the corner from a complex and I see it everyday. I go to the local park right there and hear the nice women talk stradegy on how to get MORE. This just upsets me.

I really don't know where this one came from except to say that it is day 3 of the Clomid and cd6 so maybe the horns are showing today. Keep your fingers crossed here we go.

Great Weekend

2008-04-21T06:03:00.000-07:00

Boy I have to say that the weather was fantastic this weekend. We celebrated Jake's 13Th birthday. For any parent, this is a milestone but for me, it made me realize that he was a teenager. It put it into perspective that we have been trying to conceive for 12 years and it was all too real. I will say that, I think I have the best kid. I might change that in about 2 months but right now I feel that I have had the best 13 years with him. He has been the most awesome child. There were time that I was not sure that DH and I would make it and he was so strong. At 9 he lost one of the most important people in his life.... His Paw-Paw. I loved that man. I know he is up there rooting for us and he is helping to make things happen. Jake handled it great. Oh yes he grieved but it just seemed that he had the right memory or the right joke his paw-paw told him at the right moment. It was great. This is just some of the things he does. I am proud to have him in my life. Now if I can just get on track.

So this is the thing that gets me...... for a woman that has always had an almost 40 day cycle... if there was one (not normally if no medications were taken) I STARTED ON DAY 29!!! What in gods creation is going on? lol. No really, I know this is a good sign. So as this starts the new month and there is counting to be done. lol. I am on cd 5 which means I need to get on the phone and get the clomid filled. lol. I have not been doing my temperature but I digress. There is just something about that. I am sure that I will do it in the morning and hope the doctor doesn't chew me out too bad. I love my doc but boy he can make you feel bad. lol. So here is to the next month and here is to the clomid warriors out there. I will listen to the Lord and as Ephesians 6:16

In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.

While looking online at the ovulation calender, I realized that this month if I got pregnant, my due date would be 1/23/09 and I have to say that it gave me goose bumps as that will be the 3 year anniversary of daddy's death. WOW. Wouldn't that be something to think about.

Another month

2008-04-16T11:46:00.000-07:00

So I was sitting here at work today and I noticed, I actually didn't know what day it was in my cycle. For those of you who don't count days or go on temperatures, you are probbaly sitting there thinging, what in the world is she talking about. For those of you that are reading and suffer from infertility, you know exactly what I mean.

Come on now, the links to your right are blogs that I read all of the time. I am checking in on you all alot. I like to keep up with you. I like to read the funnies and the not so funnies in your blogs. Alicia, I am in love with the shoes. The snake skins are the best. lol.

It took a minute for me to realize that it was okay for me not to know what day it was im my cycle as this was suppose to be the month that "I took off". After the miscarriage, I just didn't want to think about doing this all over again. I was tierd. I wanted to have sex with my husband and not worry about having to lay there for 30 minutes afterwards. I wanted to get up with him and have ice cream too. (he would have brought it if I asked though). I also wanted to be able to wake up in the morning and get out of bed and go to the shower. Not lay there and wait for that annoying beep. I just needed a vacation from it. I must admit that I did very well. I didn't count the days. I couldn't even tell you unless I looked at a calander (alright so I was talking about it too much..... d28) That is normal for me cause I have a 39 or so day cycle. lol.

I would just like to say to everyone out there that is trying for a baby and you are feeling a little out of sorts, Stop counting for 1 month if you can and take a vacation. It has been a great month. As I am sure you know.... I will be back at it ASAP. lol.

Another day

2008-04-08T09:42:00.001-07:00

well today is another day. I was sitting here looking out the window at work and wondering why this thing called infertility happens to good people. I mean, I have met so many wonderful people online through blogging and I wish I would have listened to them a long time ago when they said, "you should blog as a journal for yourself". I feel so much better when I type it out. I am sure you could see that from yesterday's post. lol. My DH is at home now and was yesterday. He is so sick. I feel bad actually for the post yesterday because he was getting sick Sunday night. Oh well, I will forgive him for it. Anyway, back to the point,

My biggest question in life is how can so many men and women want a child so badly and try so hard to conceive while others just have babies on a whim. I don't understand how so many people that could give a child a wonderful and loving home, are starving for this child and others are beating, abusing and abandoning their children. I know that this is not for me to understand but I am only human and I have questions. I worry about my friends who are so stressed just as I am over what day it is in the cycle and what time it is of the day. I worry about the other women out there grieving the loss of a pregnancy just as I have and asking the big man why. I can't tell you why and I am sure one day, we will understand but for now, I am a need to know person and I want answers. I will never be satisfied with the normalcy.

My DH is so wonderful and in fact, I realized that there were things I was saying and I was not saying them to him. So I wrote him a letter.... I thought I would share.....

My dearest love Jeff:

This is the time for me to just sit down and tell you how I feel. You see there have been many letters written to you that were not so good. I mean I have written to you about your drinking and other activities. I have written to you to gripe about all the things I think are stupid. I have put you down so many times. I have said how much I was not "in Love" with you anymore. These 13 years have brought my highest and lowest points. I have said things to others that under normal circumstances, I would never say to you. I have put you down and said things I regret and that is my lesson. I am sure I would never have said these things unless there was a heated argument. I have made you look like this horrible person and yet I look at you now after this latest tragedy and I think to myself, I love this man.

This is a man that I saw compassion in his eyes in my worst and trying times, the death of a close uncle, the death of a brother and the death of a father figure and the loss of our child. I have seen his love pouring from his soul during the death of his father and the loss of our child. I have seen more emotion and love come from you in the past 2 years than ever. While smoking today, I was talking about the miscarriage and things started to come out of my mouth and I thought to myself, "have I ever said that to him," hmmmmm, "no". So I am going to tell you what I told the group. You know, out of every bad moment we have been thru in 13 years of marriage and out of every fight or bickering we have gone thru and believe you me, there were some rough times, he has been the greatest. He was there and strong at a time I needed him to be. He was exactly what I needed when I needed it. I always knew I loved the man I married but it was during that time that I realized just how much more I love you now and how much more you mean to me today than before. I had a realization that maybe this was the lesson I was supposed to get from this loss. Maybe I was supposed to gain the knowledge of my marriage and what I have. Maybe I should look a little deeper at this situation. I realize that there is no one in my life that makes me light up the way you do my soul. Thank you baby. I love you.

I love you because you make me feel whole. I love you because of the way you look at me. I love you because of the way you make me feel. I love you because you are the father of my wonderful son. I love you because you work hard every day for your family. I Love you for trying to do better. I love you for making a way for us when sometimes I don't think there is one. I love you for the love you have in your heart. I love you for the way that you don't always give in. I love you for the way you will go against me because he believes in it. I love that you try to make yourself better. It may not work all for the time and there may still be vices in your closet but I love you for looking up and out instead of down. I love you for who you are and who you make me as well as when you make of this family. I love you baby.

Your wife forever

Okay so now that you all have stopped crying, and saying awwwwwww. lol. I will tell you that this man is my life and I just don't understand why we can't be happy with just one more baby. Maybe one day God will reveal his plan to us but until then I must remember that the good Lord gave me patience as well.

What is going on???

2008-04-07T11:34:00.001-07:00

Okay so maybe I should not post this but I am thinking that it will be a great vent outlet for me. You see after the start of the miscarriage, 3/21/08, I have finally stopped the bleeding. Oh you have no idea how happy that made me. I was ready to ... well you know... so last night I thought I would be all sweet and feisty at the same time. Well low and behold, he is not up for it (not literally) but he begins to give me all of the lines about my health and making sure that I don't get pregnant this month and making sure that I am safe.... Wow, when did my husband become like that. I think of all people, I know what is going on with my body. I know when I can and can not have sex. I know when it is safe. I know the signs..... Lord knows I have lived thru the temperature readings in the morning and falling asleep with the thermometer in my mouth. (Boy am I glad it has memory on it) I am the one that is checking the cervix and I am the one that can tell you at what stage I am by the CM. Whew... what nerve.....

Okay I think I feel alot better now. Sorry you had to go thru that.

Loss

2008-04-03T13:05:00.000-07:00

So I haven't really blogged and now looking back, I should have. It might have really helped me get thru this time. I could have vented to people who knew what was going on with me. I am at this point tierd. I am finally at the end of the misscarriage process. We started to loose the baby on 3/21/08. I knew something was wrong while at the doctors appointment on 3/10/08 when he said that there was just a sac. He started talking funny and sending me off for blood work pretty quick. His tone was funny but he was acting as though everything was fine. Again, looking back, I just wish that he would have told me what was going on. I sat on pins and needles for a week just waiting for the next ultrasound only to be told that this was not a viable pregnancy. I was suffering from what many woman suffer from. A, "blythed ovum" yeah, I'm not stupid but I needed him to talk to me like I wasn't just finishing up medical school.

Believe you me, I am very interested when it comes to my PCOS and if you were to ask me about counting days and mucous testing and ferning and ovulation and leutal phase, I could tell you anything but you throw a word out there like that and I don't know what it means.

I do know that this is the 2nd miscarriage in 3 months after 12 years of trying to get pregnant with no success and I don't know the cause of the first one but now I have a "blighted Ovum" (Thank you to Anne).

maybe I should have done this long ago but I just needed to step back in and feel better by venting. I have archived the pregnancy blogs as it makes me sad to look at.

Thoughts of the day

2008-03-05T04:57:00.000-08:00

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6-7

I get a scripture verse every day in my email and today it really hit home. You see every day I have a fear and anxiousness about the baby and something going wrong. I know that my Lord has wrapped his arms around this baby and there is a confidence that he is in control yet I am one of those who needs reassurement. I just need to hear that all is fine or see results that the baby is growing and believe you me, he is teaching me great patience because, I can't even go to the doctor until Tuesday. It is killing me. Really it is. I want to see tater on the that screen and see the blood flow to her heart and know that she is fine. I know she is, I just want to see it. I don't know if that makes sense or not.

We have 15 days until we travel to Texas for Easter visits. I am so excited. Really I am. I can't wait to see my Aunt and Uncle and squeeze their necks. I can't wait to see Mark and kid around with him. He is the best. Now I just have to get all of the tickets in order and the rental car and everything else. lol.

Brandon

2008-03-03T08:21:00.000-08:00

Oh how much do I love this kid......
Here is a picture of our 12 year old and lil Brandon
And then there is one of my wonderful hubby and Brandon

I love the smile on both of their faces. You can't beat that. You just have to say awwwwwwwww.

We don't get to see Brandon very much but just to tell you, before Jake never thought about the possiblility that he would not be an uncle. He just thought that any new baby that came into the family, he would be an uncle to him or her. Well when it was pointed out that he was not brandon's Uncle and only his 2nd cousin, he was upset. But Brandon's mom is the greatest and she sent Jake a picture that said, "to my Uncle Jake". That kid carries it in his wallett like a proud papa. lol. just too funny for words. lol.

Tater

2008-03-03T08:13:00.000-08:00

Well the news for this blog is what to call the baby inutero, so while walking thru Wal-Mart with my 12 year old, he says mom, I don't want to call the baby peanut anymore. When questioned on this, he said, well everyone calls their baby peanut. I of course am wondering where he is learing this from. I need a mental reminder to check the history on the internet one more time.

He laughs and tells me that he wants to call it something funny. Then he starts telling me that he wants something unique. He says, how about tater? I laugh a little and realize that he is serious. I don't mean just regular serious, I mean the kind that you have to look and say wow, you might bite my head off for not believeing you serious.

Then out of the blue he tells me that he got the idea from the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. I am sure if you have ever seen it, you know what I mean, "Ron Tater Salad White".

Oh by then it was all over. His dad was in on this and everything. They are all patting my tummy and saying that "Tater" is not feeling well and that "tater" is growing.

You have to admit that is the funniest thing. I actually love it now and couldn't have come up with a better name myself.